Faith's Edge

my new, more adult blog

2007-03-13T17:20:00.000-07:00

Well, after more than a year, I am leaving blogger for typepad. You can check out my new blog at dweston.typepad.com/transitions. Not much there yet, but soon there will be.

Bye, blogger. You've been good to me. Well, except for not posting a couple of videos, but whatever.

When the boss says "blog", I say "how high?" pt. 2: how my playlists reveal the fact that I might have multiple personality disorder

2007-02-08T10:38:00.000-08:00

If you are wondering where part 0ne of this series is, it is on the MBCC blog which you can access here.

As I mentioned in my last post, I received an Ipod from my awesome older sister. It has greatly enhanced my ability to check out from reality, but more importantly, it gives me an opportunity to one of my favorite things (listening to music) while I do the other things I have to do (like exercise or study for ordination exams). I've been doing a great deal of self-examination lately (most away from the blogosphere) and looking at the playlists I have created on my 'pod I am beginning to wonder if the voices in my head are unusually loud or if eveyone has as eclectic a mix of music in their collection. To illustrate this point, let me breifly highlight some of what I have recently downloaded and some of my favorite songs of the moment. Oh, I might as well also tell you what I'm listening to as I type...

(Air Force Ones, David Banner)

Jazz: I recently purchased three jazz albums that I probably should have already had: Cookin; with the Miles Davis Quintet, Song for My Father by Horace Silver, and Time Out by the Dave Brubeck Quartet. Between these three albums, there are at least a half dozen jazz standards. I love jazz. I appreciate that to play jazz, you both have to know the rules and know how to bend them (without breaking them). I've also recently downloaded a ton of latin jazz. I'm not much of a dancer, but latin jazz sets off a party on the inside of me.

(Speaking of which Our Routine by Eddie Palmierei... I type slowly).

As a person who owns a bass, I appreciate the bass lines of latin jazz. They are usually repetitive, but interesting and they keep the tune driving. It is fun to have that constant beat while so much is changing with the improvisation in the melody. Maybe that's why I like playing bass. I like being the stable thing while things around me are changing. That was deep!

Anyway, I have wanted to catch up on some of the standard jazz collections. You have to know your history, after all. It amazes me how creative some of the jazz pioneers were! There are a series of Miles Davis Quintet albums out there if you are looking for an onramp to jazz. Workin', Cookin', and Relaxin' are three that I own. It amazes me at time that John Coltrane and Miles Davis played together. I don't know how one room contains that much cool.

Rap: I often have to go backwards to find rap that I like. The mid-90's was a pretty good time for rap. I think a lot of the rap out now is awful. There are however a handful of good musicians out there in the rap world.

(Glorious Day, David Crowder Band...party shuffle is a wonderful thing!)

One rapper whose stuff I really like is Talib Kweli. A lot of his stuff is really socially conscious and political. He is also a very clever lyricist in my opinion. He has a great song called Drugs, Basketball and Rap about how young black men are reduced to these three things in our culture. It is pretty profound.

(I was looking for some of his lyrics on line and Flash Gordon came on. How about that! I'll give you the skinny like Ally McBeal...dated, but still clever)

(Battle of the Heroes from Star Wars Episode III by Mr. John Williams...are seeing a pattern? If you do than you are crazier than I am!)

I have come to realize that for me to enjoy it, rap either has to have some sort of conscience or the lyrics need to be clever (even if the message isn't great). A lot of stuff that is coming out now fails on both counts. However there is something else I really enjoy with rap...

Hybrids: I own alot of what I would call hybrid rap.

(Hypnotize by Notorious B.I.G. - clever not positive)

One rapper I like is Guru. He has done several Jazzamatazz albums mixing jazz and hip hop together. He has a song with Herbie Hancock called Timeless that I really love. I also have Jay-Z's unplugged album that he did with The Roots. I've actually really been drawn in by Jay-z's "hybrid" efforts. Along with the Unplugged album, I also recently got his "Collision Course" album that he did with Linkin Park. It is a pretty fascinating mash up (as the kids say) of Jay-Z's rap with Linkin Park's own rap/rock hybrid style. I like the best of both worlds approach.

(Step Right Up by Tom Waits...I type really slowly!)

Alternative Rock: Up to this point I have yet to compromise my blackness. That all ends now. I own alot of alternative rock music. It is great to work out to! For some reason angsty white guys amuse me. I guess I have always been sympathetic to the plight of the overprivileged.

(Right on cue, Aeroplane by the Red Hot Chili Peppers... I couldn't make this stuff up!)

Besides the relatively mild stuff like the Chili Peppers, I also own things from Disturbed and Avenged Sevenfold. The band names alone should give you a hint into the tone of their music. Like I said, it is good to work out to. I think it is also a little cathartic for me to listen to really angry sounding music. It is almost a way of externalizing my own anger. Almost. I do use music for mood control sometimes. I think that is one of the biggest blessings of music, how deeply it can be felt and experienced.

(Stunt 101 by G-Unit, okay the other reason I listen to some rap is that I like the beat and/or the production. Stunt 101 is neither socially conscious or incredibly clever).

Sometimes the emotion in a song can communicate what I'm feeling better than my own words can, for better or for worse. That brings me to...

Christian: Okay, I own very little Christian music. I am somewhat embarrassed by that. I am also somewhat embarrassed by how much Christian music sucks. (I'm excluding Gospel from that description. Most Gospel is good). The majority of the Christain music that I own is of the "praise and worship" variety. I am particularly fond of the David Crowder Band. Some of Crowder's lyrics are trite. Still, the musicianship is particularly high quality and I love the passion that he sings with.

A particular favorite song is Beautiful Collision on his album A Collision:

The breaking makes a sound
I never knew Could be
so beautiful and loud
Fury filled and we collide
So courageous until now,
fumbling and scared
So afraid You’ll find me out
Alone here with my doubt
Here it comes, a beautiful collision
Is happening now
There seems no end to where You begin and
There I am now You and I collide
Something circling inside
Spaciously you fly,
infinite and wide
Like the moon and sky,
collide
Here it comes now

The collision, I imagine, is that of the human experience with the Divine, perhaps both in our own condition and also in the incarnation. I don't know if that's what DCB had in mind, but that's how I interpret it.

Anyway, that's a brief look into my musical world. It is possible that I am insane, but we all have different sides and sometimes we need different sounds to represent our sides.

My next post on the MBCC blog will be When the boss says "blog", I say "how high?" pt. 3: A book you just might need to read if you are an American Christian. See you then.

another long post...

2007-01-10T16:45:00.000-08:00

I know, I know. If I would blog more often, the posts wouldn't have to be so long. One of my friends called me (and her husband) out on our blogging, saying that we're trying to find community here because we don't have enough of it in the real world. It is possible that she's right. It is also possible that she's just jealous. Yep, that's it.

Oh, before I go, I should refer you over to the Mission Bay Community Church (MBCC) blog. For those of you that don't know. MBCC is my internship church. I have posted a couple of times over there. The last one on "faith and addiciton" has started a bit of conversation.

Let's see, where to start...

The Steelers ended their season at 8-8. They were a game away from making the playoffs. Oh well. It is also weird that Bill Cowher has retired. He has been the coach of the Steelers as long as I have been a football fan (which I guess is now fifteen years). The jowl will be missed. I'm hoping for a Chargers/Saints Super Bowl. I'd root for the Chargers, but I either team winning would be a great story.

I received the following things for Christmas: a beautiful watch from my beautiful wife, an ipod nano from my sister (yea!), season three of "Family Guy"and best of all a shoulder dolly from my mother in law so that I don't hurt my back as I'm moving stuff out of my apartment. Hilarious! My in-laws throw not so subtle hints that they are excited for Marnie and I to move back to the 'burgh. Which is fine because we're excited to move back. Have you ever gotten a shoulder dolly for Christmas? I bet not.

The trip home for the holidays had its share of ups and downs. We flew into Pittsburgh on Christmas day. It was sad to see how many other people were flying that day. It just seems wrong. When I summarize the trip for people, I tell them we drove and ate. Obviously, that is an oversimplification, but we ate a ton and it seemed like as soon as we finished eating, we were driving to another place to eat. (That's not a complaint) I got to catch up with alot of friends. The weather in Pgh was still better than the weather in Nor-Cal.

Unfortunately, my family was a bit of a downer. There is a lot of stress between my folks and my siblings and there were moments where folks were hard to be around. I had a moment or two of asking myself if this what I am moving back to Pittsburgh for. In some strange way it is. While it was hard to be with my family in this time of high stress, it is harder to be far away from them and feel totally helpless. When I move back I'll still be helpless, but I'll be close.

On a lighter note, I have restarted a workout program for the new year. The last two times that I have gone home, I have gotten on the scale and discovered that I had reached record weights for myself. I know it is weird for people when I say I feel fat. I am only fat by the standard in my head, but that is the standard that screams the loudest.

I've been thinking alot lately about sanctification. It is an idea that is really only talked about in an academic sense at my seminary. I think sometimes our notions of grace stop us from doing that work that will allow us to be continually formed into the image of Christ. As I'm thinking about things I want to do this year, one of the major ones is to refocus on living a holier life.

Along with that has been an awareness that I have gotten through most of seminary with little to no accountability. I think part of living a holier life is having folks in your life who will call you out when you aren't living up to your spiritual potential and will do so in a loving way. I've been trying to identify some of those folks in my life and I think that will be beneficial for me as I finish up this last semester.

...my last semester. Praise be to God!

Easter Environmentalism

2006-12-13T09:13:00.000-08:00

I know it is advent, but I had to write a homily for my Foundations of Social Theology class and I chose to do it on Easter. FST was taught at the Franciscan School of theology at the Graduate Theological Union in Berkely. It was a great class and quite interesting to be one of the minority protestants in the group. Anyway, the Catholic lectionary for Easter began with Genesis 1, which I found fascinating. I decided to do an Easter homily without any direct Easter texts. Unfortunately, I did not get to deliver the homily. I tend to think of preaching as an oral artform which is typically why I don't post my sermons here, but since I didn't get to deliver this homily I thought I would post it. I'm not sure how successful this was so I'd love some feedback.

[The following homily is for an Easter morning worship service. The intended audience is an urban, multi-racial congregation. The theme being dealt with is the current environmental crisis. While environmental issues are oftentimes discussed (or at least more acceptable) in affluent communities, such issues are rarely discussed in urban centers where the effects of the environmental crisis can most acutely be felt. This homily is an attempt to deal with these issues in that context. This homily would have to be given in a parish where the preacher has some comfort and familiarity with the congregants. ]

Texts: Genesis 1

In the beginning when God created the heavens and the earth, the earth was a formless void and darkness covered the face of the deep, while a wind from God swept over the face of the waters. Then God said, ‘Let there be light’; and there was light. And God saw that the light was good; and God separated the light from the darkness. God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And there was evening and there was morning, the first day.
And God said, ‘Let there be a dome in the midst of the waters, and let it separate the waters from the waters.’ So God made the dome and separated the waters that were under the dome from the waters that were above the dome. And it was so. God called the dome Sky. And there was evening and there was morning, the second day.
And God said, ‘Let the waters under the sky be gathered together into one place, and let the dry land appear.’ And it was so. God called the dry land Earth, and the waters that were gathered together he called Seas. And God saw that it was good. Then God said, ‘Let the earth put forth vegetation: plants yielding seed, and fruit trees of every kind on earth that bear fruit with the seed in it.’ And it was so. The earth brought forth vegetation: plants yielding seed of every kind, and trees of every kind bearing fruit with the seed in it. And God saw that it was good. And there was evening and there was morning, the third day.
And God said, ‘Let there be lights in the dome of the sky to separate the day from the night; and let them be for signs and for seasons and for days and years, and let them be lights in the dome of the sky to give light upon the earth.’ And it was so. God made the two great lights—the greater light to rule the day and the lesser light to rule the night—and the stars. God set them in the dome of the sky to give light upon the earth, to rule over the day and over the night, and to separate the light from the darkness. And God saw that it was good. And there was evening and there was morning, the fourth day.
And God said, ‘Let the waters bring forth swarms of living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the dome of the sky.’ So God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that moves, of every kind, with which the waters swarm, and every winged bird of every kind. And God saw that it was good. God blessed them, saying, ‘Be fruitful and multiply and fill the waters in the seas, and let birds multiply on the earth.’ And there was evening and there was morning, the fifth day.
And God said, ‘Let the earth bring forth living creatures of every kind: cattle and creeping things and wild animals of the earth of every kind.’ And it was so. God made the wild animals of the earth of every kind, and the cattle of every kind, and everything that creeps upon the ground of every kind. And God saw that it was good.
Then God said, ‘Let us make humankind in our image, according to our likeness; and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the wild animals of the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps upon the earth.’ So God created humankind in his image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. God blessed them, and God said to them, ‘Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it; and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the air and over every living thing that moves upon the earth.’ God said, ‘See, I have given you every plant yielding seed that is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree with seed in its fruit; you shall have them for food. And to every beast of the earth, and to every bird of the air, and to everything that creeps on the earth, everything that has the breath of life, I have given every green plant for food.’ And it was so. God saw everything that he had made, and indeed, it was very good. And there was evening and there was morning, the sixth day.

Romans 8:18-27

I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory about to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the children of God; for the creation was subjected to futility, not of its own will but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to decay and will obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. We know that the whole creation has been groaning in labor pains until now; and not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly while we wait for adoption, the redemption of our bodies. For in hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what is seen? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.
Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but that very Spirit intercedes with sighs too deep for words. And God, who searches the heart, knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.

I know what you are thinking: this is Easter. Where is the Easter text? Where is the story of the resurrection? Where is the empty tomb? The angel? Where is the Risen Lord in these passages? How can you have an Easter message without those things? Well, I’m experimenting a bit with you all, because I know you all know the story. I know you all know that Christ was crucified and three days later rose from the dead. I know that you know that through this miraculous event, God offers us new life and it is the topic of new life that I want to talk about with you today.
We began this morning with the creation story. The creation story is central to the Judeo-Christian worldview. We tend to look at it as if God is playing a symphony, beginning quietly with the creation of light, gradually building to the separation of the land and water, crescendo-ing through the formation of stars, moon, sun, plants, fish, birds, and animals, until finally God’s masterpiece reaches its thrilling climax with the creation of humanity. We tend to look at things as if humanity was the ultimate fulfillment of all for which God had created, everything was merely to set the stage for the grand arrival of the human being. And yet, science has illumined us to a fact that our anthropocentric traditions have often ignored. God was not simply setting up scenery in which humans would enact their drama. Rather, God was creating a system, a network, if you will. A series of interrelated connections that would make life possible, each component feeding into the next, every piece dependent on the others. Humanity was simply a piece in the puzzle. And yet, we are more than that, because we are blessed with the ability to see how the entirety of the puzzle can come together. We are gifted with the imagination to see what the puzzle can look like in its completeness. We are also charged with the knowledge of what the system looks like when all of the pieces are not in the right places, when the network is broken and the system is compromised. On Good Friday we get the ultimate reminder of what the broken system looks like as the creation commits the definitive act of rebellion against its creator. And this morning we celebrate, as the Creator restores Creation and brings it into new life.
Paul tells us in II Corinthians that if anyone is in Christ they are a new creation. We’re also told in our passage from Romans this morning that all of creation has been groaning, awaiting the new life that will be proclaimed through the children of God. God in Christ was re-creating the world. God was renewing the world, restoring the original perfect design to wholeness. We all know that. We’ve heard it a million times. The problem is that we tend to stay with our old understandings of the Gospel. We tend to use language like our own “personal” savior. Sometimes we get enough out side ourselves to say that the grace that was shown through the death and resurrection of Christ is for all who believe, all who have been saved, or all who were predestined to be saved. Sometimes we even get enough outside of ourselves to say take the Gospel seriously when it says that God loved the world enough to give the son as a sign of that love. But what if there is more to it than that? What if salvation has more to do with just Christians or those who believe and think a certain way? What if salvation has to do with more than just humanity? What if salvation is about the renewal of a system, a new way for all of creation to be in relationship?
When we look at the creation story in Genesis, we see that one thing after another was proclaimed to be good by God: the dry land was good, the sky was good, the sun, moon, and stars were good, the plants were good, the animals were good, and yes, humanity was very good. The question for us this morning is ‘why would God want to abandon God’s good creation?’. Many of us, myself included, were raised to believe that God would, in some predetermined “end time” do away with God’s good creation for something better, something heavenly. We’ve been trained to believe that God will carry us away from this world and this created order, and so this world in which we dwell is of no consequence. It is just a temporary stopping ground. But God in Christ was making all things new. Paul’s new creation talk is not a hope for the future. The new creation begins with the resurrection. God in Christ was restoring all things to the way they should be. God was making all things good again and restoring the relationships of the created order. God created all things and God declared all things ‘good’. Paul says that the whole creation is crying out, going through birth pangs. It was a labor that began Easter morning with the resurrection of Christ. Matthew’s gospel tells us that when Jesus died, all of creation reacted; the sky turned dark and the earth shook. It is fitting, then, that creation should be invited into our conversation about the resurrection. The resurrection means new life for creation as well as for us. It means a life where the creation is valued based on its original goodness and not simply the good that it provides for humanity. It is a life where we as moral agents recognize the inherent goodness of all of God’s creation. It is a life where we recognize that the tree, the bird, the land, the water, the fish, and the deer are as much apart of the Creator’s design as we are.
It is easy to take creation for granted in our urban centers. In the city we can oftentimes become detached from the natural world around us. Yet it is in the city where our lack of unity with the created order has the direst consequences. If you need a vivid example of that, just look at last year’s hurricanes. While it is easy to focus on the government’s inadequate response to the tragedies of hurricanes Katrina and Rita, we overlook all the other factors that went into decimating one of America’s great cities. New Orleans was made increasingly vulnerable by the fact that the wetlands outside the city were not protected. Our destruction of nature in the name of “progress” ended up damaging more than just fish, birds, water, and plants of the wetlands, but it jeopardized human life as well. There is also a great deal of evidence that the human activities that are contributing to the phenomenon of global warming will also lead to more unpredictable and destructive weather patterns, meaning more coastal cities could face the level of threat that was posed to the gulf coast region. To bring the issue a little closer to home, think of the ecological condition of many of our urban centers. Think about the quality of the air, the quality of the water, the scarcity of plant life. Think of the ways that our lifestyles affect the world around us and how they affect the least in our communities. Studies have shown an increase in asthma and other respiratory illnesses in urban, low-income African American communities. It is no coincidence that poor air quality and poor health go hand in hand. It is because of relationships, our relationship to the entirety of God’s creation, a relationship where the things we share in common are our finite natures and our mutual co-dependence.
Friends, we need an Easter environmentalism. We need an environmental strategy that is based on the good news that God in Christ makes all things new. The liberation we experience in Christ is liberation not just for humanity but for all of creation. It is creation’s liberation from being subordinated to the will of the powerful and wealthy. It is creation’s liberation from being exploited for the sake of progress. It is creation’s liberation to be seen on equal terms, as companions on the journey. Just as we would hope those things for our brothers and sisters who are oppressed, exploited, and objectified, if we are ever to have an ecological future we must hope those things for all of creation. We must see the world around us as the Creator originally intended; a good, orderly, system of relationships where all is valued not as a commodity but as an inherently good piece of the Creator’s puzzle, created out of God’s infinite love.

breaking the silence (the important stuff is at the top)

2006-12-01T15:14:00.000-08:00

Sorry I haven't blogged in so long. It isn't because there is nothing going on. Nothing could be farther from the truth. My life is actually so eventful right now, that I rarely have time to stop and process it all. Here are just smoe of the things that have been on my mind:

Football

Well, let's get this over with. The Steelers are in the crapper. At a pitiful 4-7, a couple of other teams would actually have to fall off the planet for us to make the playoffs. I haven't had to do this very often in my football fandom, but I now have to start thinking about the post-season and whic team I next want to jinx with my support. Right now, I'm leaning towards the Chargers. They have been on the verge of great for years and have, in my opinion, the best athlete in all of football (LaDainian Tomlinson) on their team. My second pick would be the Colts for the same reasons (only replace the word "athlete" with "quarterback" and "LaDainian Tomlinson" with "Peyton Manning".

Anyway, I'm real disappointed with the Steelers, and especially upset with the current ambiguity over Bill Cowher's future with the franchise. I hope his pride keeps him from leaving the team after such an abysmal season.

Next topic:

The "N" word

By now, everyone has heard the whole "Kramer" thing. it will certainly be awhile before I watch Seinfeld again. In any case, I ended up reading a ton of things about the situation because when it initially happened, Marnie was obsessed with it. What has been interesting has been the people who have come to Michael Richards' defense. What I have read most commonly is the argument that black people refer to themselves and each other as nigger (nigga...so different!) all the time. It was if people were saying "come on, let us use your secret password without any thought of the contextual baggage that comes along with it. Please!!!" While I think that response idiotic, I do have to say that from a logical standpoint, it does hold water. I personally hate the word, whether it is used by a black person or a white person. It carries with it the connotation of degradation. it is a word that communicates that some one is beneath another. I think that many african americans argue that we have somehow "reclaimed" the word, but it was never ours to begin with. The fact of the matter is that we keep it in circulation. In recent decades we have made the distinction between a nigger and a respectable black person. I recently read an article (in Esquire magazine, a topic for later) about the difference between "ascendent modern blacks" and niggers. The writers thesis was pretty much that the ascendent blacks should leave the niggers behind in our dust (the fact that I associate myself with the ascendents further highlights the problem). I think that is harmful thinking, and though the author never claimed any his arguments based on any particular religious thought, I think his thinking is also completley contrary to most moral standards and especially biblical standards of justice. I don't think we in this country can afford to further alienate those we deem to be beneath us for any reason. We either all succeed together (definition of "success" pending) or none of us succeed at all.

In conclusion: no, white people, it is not okay to use the "n" word. and black people, lead by example and don't use it either.

next topic:

My trip to Pittsburgh

For some reason right now, Pittsburgh is having better weather than Northern California. 'm sure it won't last, but it made coming back to Cali, a little harder. Ihate being a visitor in my home town. I went back on a very short trip from Tuesday night to Thursday afternoon. First my flight.

So my plane was about a half hour late taking off from the run way because of a leaky faucet. Yeah, okay. So once we are in the air, a guy a few rows in front of me starts to have some kind of seizure. The flight attendents, who obviously had no idea what to do, got on the PA and asked if there were any doctors or nurse on the plane. Fortunately, the flight attendent was swarmed by about two doctors and maybe three nurses; one an er nurse, pretty much took the situation over. I was amazed by the outpoouring of concern for the guy. It was an annoying distraction. They had to reroute us to Salt Lake City and pretty much everyone, self included, missed their connecting flights out of Atlanta. Still, no one grumbled or bitched. People seemed genuinely concerned for the health of the guy having the seizure who seemed to have had a blood sugar issue. people did get alittle antsy when when we were delayed again in Utah for yet another mechanical issue. And then we were forced to watch "My Super Ex-Girlfriend" which was surprisingly mediocre.

Anyway, I went to Pgh to handle Presbytery stuff. I am now officially an inquirer (if I'm an inquirer now, what the "bleep" have I been doing out here for 2 and a half years?!) and I also got permission to take the ordination exams in january. Kinda like getting permission to have paper cuts applied to every sensitive part of your body. That's where my excitement level was. In any case, the Presbytery executive did apologize for my process being as horrendous as it has been. it was nice to hear.

Beside doing Presby stuff, I also checked into a couple of possible job opportunities for post-seminary. One is at the Pittsburgh Project. if you haven't heard me talk about the Pittsburgh Project, then you haven't heard me talk in the past seven years. I love the place. I love what it is about. I love the people, many of whom feel more to me like family than my actual family (one actually is family). I love what God is doing there. It is weird to be offered the job I thought I always wanted. it's not that I don't want it now. It's just...well, how many people actually get offered the job they have always wanted? A few years ago, I would have been out of my mind with excitement. Now...I'm hesitant.

Some of the hesitation is knowing that there might be other things out there for me. It is exciting, but it putting me in this cautious mode of not wanting to make the wrong choice about my and my family's future. Still, even with the hesitation, I am humbled and flattered about what is happening in my life right now. It helps me understand grace. I certainly don't deserve the good things that are happening right now.

One more thing about my trip. My nephew James is the coolest human being alive! He will be three in December. He's awesome! He makes me laugh. He is fun to play with. He makes me think about what it would be like to have a son...

next topic:

The Sermon Series

so I recently finished a three part sermon series at my internship church. I felt like it went well. The first sermon was on forgiveness, the second on racial reconciliation, the third was on the church in society. It was well received. The hard thing about preaching is that you (well, I at least) never feel like I have said all I want to say on a subject. I suppose if I want to do that, I should write books instead of preaching. What has been cool is that we have set up message boards to discuss my sermon topics and people's feedback has helped my own thoughts to develop more fully. I really appreciate that. I hate the "talking head" nature of preaching. I like for their to be feedbak at least, discussion at best. As preachers, I think we need to be called out on our bullshit(which, hopefully, is minimal). I also think people need the opportunity to articulate what they think and feel. I have grown considerably from the insights that people have shared with me from my sermons.

One of the things that draws me to non-profit work (like the Project) over church work is how draining the preaching process is for me. I never sleep the night before I preach. Don't get me wrong, I love to preach and I think I'm pretty good at it. But I'm an introvert by nature and preaching drains the life right out of me. I always want to curl up into a ball afterwards. Fortunately, so far I have not.

final topic:

Men's Magazines

Okay, so as I mentioned above, I read an article in Esquire magazine. That is because I receive Esquire magazine. At the moment, I get both Esquire and Men's Health. I don't know why, but right now I am becoming a little addicted to men's magazines. I even bought a copy of GQ in Atlanta to read for the flight back to Oakland. It was the men of the year one with Jay-Z on the cover. I was trying to find out if GQ was better than Esquire. Turns out it is not. It is, in fact, the poor man's Esquire, "poor" being a rather realtive term in this scenario.

A little bit of self analysis: for most of my life I have not cared too much about how I look. I certainly didn't care about fashion at all. As I've gotten older, two very important realizations have occurred: 1) with a little effort, I'm a pretty good looking guy and 2) appearances say alot about you. Sometimes you feel better when you look good. People respond to you differently when you are well put together. I'm not saying that's the way things should be. It is the way things are. When I think about "professional" Derrick, I think about a guy who is both amiable and respectable. I think that should be communicated both in my demeanor and in my appearance. Now does that mean that I would spend $150 on a shirt? Hell no! I would however accept a $150 shirt as a gift! (my b-day is January 12th). You don't have to spend alot of money to look good. I think it is just a matter of dressing your age and dressing your goals.

Not that men's magazine's only tell you about clothing. They also tell you about booze and gadgets, two things I also have an appreciation for. Again, probably never going to buy a 150 dollar bottle of whiskey, but January 12th is right around the corner. Besides booze and gadgets, men's magazines tell you how to be successful and attractive to the ladies. These are important things, folks! They tell you stories of guys who have already attained the level of manness that the rest of us simply dream of. They come with recipes for big slabs of meat (usually cooked in booze). They tell you what kinds of cigars you should be smoking (none, if you're me). Men's magazines give us the theology of metrosexuality.

...And with that, I should stop writing.

faith in democracy...slowly returning...and a somewhat immature perspective on Ted Haggard

2006-11-08T11:31:00.000-08:00

So since I have been old enough to vote, I have been slightly disillusioned with the whole voting thing. This has had mostly to do with guys I voted for losing. Sure that's shallow, but it sucks when you vote for someone (well, actually against someone) twice and things don't go your way. It is also hard to watch the country go in directions that seem...questionable. So I have to say that I'm pretty pleased with yesterday's election results. It makes me feel like the system isn't quite as faulty as I have felt it is. It seems very likely all of a sudden that the entire congress will go for the democrats, thus restoring that whole "checks and balances" things that's been missing for six years.

I also have to say that I am pretty shocked at how quickly after losing congress (at least the House) that Bush decided to dump Rummy. It might be the first bite of humble pie for the Bush administration to start chewing on. Last week Mr. Bush was pretty pro-Rumsfeld. Maybe that was just gas. I do hope that the word "bi-partisan" becomes more than just a catch phrase for the next couple of years. It would be great to see our government actually work for the people who elected them in more than a nebulus "protecting you from the terrorists" kind of way.

So I wanted to comment on the whole Ted Haggard thing. If you want to read a healthy black man's response to the whole situation. Go to postmodern negro's blog. Go ahead. I'll wait. Done? Good. Now for my less healthy take: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahha!

Okay, sorry. one of my biggest ministry fears is making self righteous, graceless statements in public. The mantle of a pastor/preacher comes with heavy responsibility. using your power to ostracize homosexuals from the community of faith is despicable. Even more so when you have certain skeletons in your own closet. I think as a minister we bear the responsibility of holding the truth of sin, including our own, against the light of Christ. When we take positions of moral superiority, we set ourselves up for big falls. I know that from experience and I have been humbled by it. I hope that this becomes a teachable moment for Rev. Haggard and for all of the big mainstream evangelicals who tend to hold themselves up in a place of moral superiority. I do hope that after some counseling, Haggard can return to a life-giving ministry that opens the door to all God's children. I also hope he is cautious about whom he asks for a massage. Hehe.

More soon, including my eulogy for the 2006 Steelers...

2-4, football diatribe, sickness, praise, and Obamamania!

2006-10-24T10:46:00.000-07:00

You know, before I came to SFTS, I didn't know people who were fans of teams other than the Steelers, Pirates, and Penguins (and Panthers in NCAA stuff). Pittsburgh doesn't have an NBA team (which is a travesty!) so folks are all over the place in terms of basketball. It is good to know fans of other teams. It keeps me humble. I have also been incredibly spoiled by the Steelers since I got out here. My first year of seminary they were 15-1. Last year, well, you know. The whole Super Bowl thing. It is taking some time to getting reaccustomed to watching the black and gold lose. That being said, I still have every confidence that the Steelers will turn this season around. Why? Here's why: 1) their passing game. The Steelers have discovered over the past two weeks that they can throw the ball. Hines Ward (pictured left) had an amazing game on Sunday! They have probably the best receiver core that I can remember the team having (although Ward, Randle El, Burress was pretty good). If they can start using the pass to set up the run instead of the other way around, they have we an offensive juggernaut on our hands. The last two games Ben has thrown for 5 td's and no interceptions. Batch added two at the end of Sunday's game (more on the qb situation later). 2) the tough schedule. Now you may be thinking, isn't the tough schedule a bad thing? Well, kinda. Here's the thing, in my opinion the two toughest divisions have to play each other this year, those being the NFC South(CAR, ATL, NO, TB) and the AFC North (PIT, CIN, CLE, BAL). The toughness of schedule for the rest of our division is going to allow smoe good teams to cancel each other out. 10-6 or even 9-7 might win our division this year. That might seem optimistic, and this week with CIN beating CAR that didn't shake out as I had hoped, but I think towards the end of the season we're going to see some leveling off and the Steelers are money in November and December. Just you wait.

Two things are killing the Steelers right now: turnovers and the QB situation. At the beginning of the season, the problem was Ben throwing interceptions. He seems to have fixed that. But we've now fumbled two punts this season. That is unacceptable. We've had a couple of monster fumbles. Fumbles suck. Even the word makes you feel like an idiot if it is attached to your name. The Steelers surprisingly are tied for first place in interceptions. If they can keep creating turnovers without turning the ball over they will be fine.

Okay, now onto the QB thing. I'm worried about Ben. I hate to say this, but I hope someone is talking to him about retiring as an option. I don't want that, but it has to be a serious consideration with two concussions in a short span of time. Football is a game. Granted it is his job, but no job is worth scrambling your brain for the remainder of your life. I just think it should be on the table. For now, no matter how Ben is, Charlie Batch should probably start Sunday. It is a very winnable game against the Raiders (anyone got tickets?) and Batch can handle it while Ben gets ready for Denver, which will be tough the way their D is playing. (Tenacious D, some might call it).

I could just blog about football for the rest of the morning, but maybe I should talk about real life too. Right now, I am getting sick. I've been fighting it for a couple of weeks, but as soon as I get a chance to stop, the sickness catches up with me. That is what is happening now. Which sucks because it means being sick during my break. Right now it isn't too bad. My head is kind of fuzzy (on the inside) and I'm really drained. Other than that...ah, I'll stop my whining and suck it up.

God is good! I've been thinking about that alot lately. It is impossible to rationalize feelings of peace when life is turbulent. I am in a reflective mode alot these days and as I look back I really see that God has been doing some work on me here at good ol' SFT to the S. (sorry!). I don't get God. I thought seminary would help me 'get' God. It hasn't. God has become bigger and more mysterious. God is unpredictable, but faithful. A weird combination indeed. Anyway, I won't gush, but I am very aware of the fact that God has carried Marnie and I through alot in these past couple years and I am grateful. I am particularly grateful that Marnie is a two and focuses alot of her twoness in my direction! (enneagrams are fun!)

Speaking of my lovely life partner, she gets to have lunch with Barack Obama tomorrow. Okay, not exactly, she's going to hear him at a luncheon tomorrow, but she'll be at a close table. She will also get an autographed copy of his book which is awesomely title The Audacity of Hope. Needless to say, I am extremely jealous, but I think Marnie and the students she is taking to hear the senator from Illinios will have an amazing time.

If you watched the news at all on Sunday, it was hard to avoid Mr. Obama. He made an "announcement" on Meet the Press with Tim Russert that he was considering running for president in '08. It was all any news show could talk about Sunday late afternoon and evening. Barack was on Larry King, Oprah, the cover of Sojourners and MTP all in one week. I couldn't turn around without hearing about Barack Obama. Personally, I don't trust the guy. Obama sounds an awful lot like Osama. Coincidence? Yeah, probably.

Seriously, though, I think Barack Obama is exactly what the country needs, but not yet. I think we need a four year lame duck President that will de-polarize the country. Then Barack could run in 2012. Alot of the current thinking around Obama is that he should strike while the iron is hot. I think that might be political suicide right now. He hasn't been in the senate that long and quite frankly, I don't think we know how good of a senator he is.

on the other hand, he seems like a big idea guy. A visionary. Our country needs that. He might be able to depolarize the country himself. My in-laws, who are big Fox News watchers, really like him. It might be time for a popular young president with fresh ideas.

I guess my other worry, as an African American, is the popular conspiracy theory that the first black president will be assassinated in office (or before they get into office). Maybe the world isn't like that anymore, but I suspect it is. I don't want to have to celebrate Barack Obama day until twenty years after the end of his two terms and we are all really grateful for what he's done for our country. I don't want it to be a memorial for a great man who died before his time.

2-3, procrastination, loved into exhaustion (not in a dirty way), and for the love of God would it please start being reading week!

2006-10-16T12:18:00.000-07:00

Okay, the Steelers had a wonderfully, wonderful game on Sunday. I take back what I said about benching Ben. Sorry, Ben! Really sorry. I told Marnie during the game against the Chargers that things would turn around once Ben threw his first touchdown. He threw two on Sunday. So far, I'm right. Atlanta this weekend. That will be tough. But we gotta keep the big mo'! (momentum, duh!) They can do it. I believe! BTW, sorry A's fans. However, seeing as how I am a fan of A's fans, I can still keep cheering for you because you're season isn't over yet. Go A's fans!

So I should be studying for an exam right now. Instead I'm listening to music and blogging. That, boys and girls, is called procrastination. Can you say procrastination? I know you can. BTW, Mr. Rogers never said that whole "can you say...b.s.". I don't know where that misconception came from.

Well this weekend I preached at a very cool church in New Mexico. It was an awesome experience. I've really been having my gifts affirmed as of late and I'm grateful for that. I was also very impressed by this church. They have members who, in the words of the pastor, range from fundamentalists to bordeline unitarians and yet they get along because they are dedicated to being family to one another. Yes, there are churches like that in the world. Praise God! I preached twice. It went very well. My message was well received. A seventy-five year old man told me that it was the best sermon he had ever heard (he might be one of those chronic exaggerators - I know a few of those) and a homiletics prof. from Cuba gave me an (unofficial) A+. That was cool. Marnie and I also got to experience the Albequerque balloon fiesta (fiesta, not festival). We were impressed, but apparently it is usually much better. The rain interrupted the "mass ascension" on Saturday morning. Still, I thought it was cool.

Oh, I should also mention that we were fed ridiculously well because we were. I had heartburn on the flight back. It was pretty cool. Still, all of this love has a price. I have been exhausted since we returned. My brain is kind of fried and I've just felt drained and like I'm going through the motions this week.

Fortunately, next week is reading week. Ah sweet reading week. Normally what happens for me around reading week is that I make all of these lofty goals to get myself organized and caught up on things and then I just end up playing video games until Marnie comes home. Not this year. This year I will attain my lofty organizational goals. I will get myself more organized for the remainder of the semester. I will get myself more organized for my internship. I will finish my novel and my screenplay. I will finish my mastering my cure for the common cold. I will scale Mt. Everest. All in five days. Actually, my only goal for next week is to drink beer with some friends as many nights of the week as possible.

Any takers?

Theology of Ministry conclusion: my call

2006-10-11T08:51:00.000-07:00

V. My Call
I feel called to some form of pastoral ministry. I feel called to serve those who are in physical need, those who are ostracized from mainstream society, and those who are without a voice in our society. I also feel that I have a call to be a missionary within a postmodern North American context. Part of my call is to work towards genuine racial reconciliation, not just racial assimilation. I honestly don’t know where these things will take place for me. I have found something of a comfort zone within alternative worship communities. The church I attended in Pittsburgh prior to coming to seminary was an emerging/missional worship community that became a crucible for much of my ecclesiology. I have also enjoyed work in the non-profit arena. I have often wondered whether or not my call is to be a tentmaker. I often feel that so much of the integrity of the church is compromised by having religious professionals. Another place where I have a sense of passion is around the arts. As a film student and amateur musician, I have been greatly impacted through the arts and I have witnessed the arts being used to great effect in the spiritual lives of others.
I believe that ministers should be outspoken in the public arena, particularly in places where we perceive public actions as being unjust. There are times when a minister must act as community organizer. There are times when the minister must act as advocate. There are times when the minister must act as the conscience of the state, to paraphrase Martin Luther King Jr. It is not the minister’s role to publicly criticize someone’s private affairs. It is not the minister’s role to publicly endorse a political candidate, though they should give counsel on issues. I say this because, for better or for worse, many people perceive the minister’s voice as the voice of God. I think it is dangerous for the public to see a candidate as sanctioned by God.
Strengths and Growing Edges
I often feel that one of greatest strengths for doing the kind of ministry I described is that I am passionate. That can both be a strength and a weakness. Passion can be a motivator, but it can also increase the sting of events that might be perceived as failures. One strength that has been acknowledged in me is that I can give challenging messages in loving ways. I feel that this is a huge gift because I believe that people need to be challenged in their faith, but they also need to be affirmed. One area that I always feel challenged in concerning ministry is that I am an introvert. I am not a high introvert by any means and I consider myself to be fairly outgoing, but I often find myself being drained by long periods of social interaction.
I enjoy getting to know people. I love to hear their stories and when I have an opportunity, enjoy sharing mine. One of the things that I really enjoyed this past summer was sharing my faith with my neighbors in Portland. I was very different than the caricature of Christianity that they had in their minds. It actually became a benefit to share with them that though I shared some of their displeasure with the church, I still maintained my faith. Another place where I have discovered some skill is in being able to get new projects started. One of my challenges is that I often need a lot of encouragement to sustain those things that I begin. Discouragement is something that I struggle with, though it usually does not take much to re-encourage me.
I think any ministry that allowed me to get outside of the church and work in the community would be a good fit for my gifts and skills. This is not to say that I don’t have skills that would be conducive to effective parish ministry (because I do!), but I think the better use of my skills is a representative of the body of Christ in the community or public arena. I also think I could thrive doing new church development and/or church revitalization. I have had exposure to both of those kinds of ministry. They seem to take an entrepreneurial spirit and I think I have that.
I know that I will be challenged by doing pastoral care work. I am generally a good listener, but my hope is to develop as a healing presence for people. I have yet to do CPE, but I am fairly certain I will after I finish seminary. My hope is to become an even better listener and to increase my compassion. As I work with people, I continue to struggle with how I handle criticism. I tend to internalize negative criticism far more than I do positive feedback. Though I am generally a relationship-oriented person, another place where I will be challenged is those places where I need to be task-oriented. When I do become task-oriented, I often do so at the expense of those closest to me. I can also become something of a workaholic when I enjoy my work, often losing sight of the emotional and physical drain on myself.
I think that spiritual direction will be a big part of my self care after seminary. Being an introvert, I need time to process things. If I do not have that time, issues get internalized and go unresolved which sometimes leads to bitterness and resentment developing within me. My second year of seminary this happened and I believe it may have even been partly responsible for the long illness I had in the fall of ’05. Shortly after I got better I received pastoral counseling and spiritual direction for several months and it made a world of difference in my ability to process my thoughts and feelings. I think without that, I am liable to burn myself out...

Theology of Ministry: Me and God

2006-10-11T08:50:00.000-07:00

IV. Me, God, and Church
So far, I have spoken mostly in terms of generalizations on theological topics. From this point I will move to more specifics about the sense I have of my own ministry. First let me speak to my experience of God in my life’s journey.
As I mentioned earlier, my earliest understanding of God was as a Father. I understood God as the perfect Father, the one who would not abandon me and the one who would not abuse His power over me. I have always felt comfortable speaking out loud to God. When that might not be socially appropriate, I try to direct my thoughts Godward. As I have gotten older, I have begun to experience God more and more through creation, particularly through large bodies of water. I’ve always felt very spiritually connected to lakes and one of the greatest things about moving to the west coast was discovering the Pacific Ocean! While God might have been in Lake Erie and probably was in Lake Michigan, God is definitely in the ocean! I once saw a photograph that I believe was taken near the north pole of an iceberg sitting in the ocean with water vapor rising from the water. The water was existing simultaneously in all three of its forms. I thought that was very Trinitarian of the water. I have always had a fascination with nature, particularly with animals. I think I somehow experience God through them as well. I would say that the way that I most often experience God is through the love of others. It is hard for me to not interpret people’s kind words and affirmations as God caring for me. My relationship to Christ has primarily been that of mentor to student. I see Jesus as an example of how to be human and of how a human being can be in relation to the Creator. I experience the Holy Spirit primarily as guide. I am most aware of the presence of the Spirit in times of decision. I often hear it said that I am to look to see where the Spirit is leading. This is at times a hard process, but I feel it is important to be aware and alert for what might be the movement of God.
I am a firm believer that you cannot give to others what you do not have. In other words, I find it very difficult to do ministry in times of spiritual dryness. I have found that there have been times when I have needed to distance myself from ministry work in order to get my spiritual life back in line. There have been times when this realignment has been much more difficult than others. I don’t journal regularly, but I often find that when I begin to record my thoughts and feelings that it helps me to assess where I am spiritually. I have also found fasting very helpful at various points in my life.
I have found that it is difficult for me to take a passive role in the church. It usually doesn’t take me very long after I have become comfortable in a church to find a place to start doing ministry. I am a doer, for better and for worse. I have often found the church as a place of deep community. I have also experienced the church as a place of deep frustration. A lot of that has to do with pastoral leadership. I have experienced excellent pastoral ministry and pastoral ministry that I dare say was incompetent. I realize that “excellent pastoral ministry” is a subjective assessment, but I feel it is my role in a church to be a compassionate pastoral presence that enables those around me to minister in the ways in which God intended uniquely for them. Even if I am never ordained, I feel that I will always be involved in some leadership capacity in some local congregation. Though I am often frustrated with the machinations of the church, I am very passionate about its mission.
My intercultural experiences have brought me to a place of seeing the church as a place where reconciliation should happen. I have grown greatly by worshipping outside of my cultural norms. I look forward to a time when I will get to do that outside of this country. I find that intercultural experience helps to expand our images of God, our vocabulary for God, and our expressions of worship. It also reveals the faults within our own understandings of both God and humanity. For me it has also expanded those areas of hubris that I have about the ways that things “should” be done.

Theology of Ministry: Christ and the Church

2006-10-11T08:48:00.000-07:00

III. Christology, Missiology, Ecclesiology
There is a popular saying among those who hold to a missional understanding of the church: Christology informs missiology and missiology informs ecclesiology. In other words, as Christians we get our understanding of what our ministry lives should look like from an understanding of what Christ’s ministry life looked like. That understanding of our ministry lives should then determine the shape that the local expression of the body of Christ (the church) takes. We must then begin with an understanding of the work of Jesus Christ.
For centuries, the church has debated as to how to properly explain the existence of God in the form of Christ. One of the most important affirmations came out of the Council of Chalcedon. In this creed, the church declared that Christ was both “fully human” and “fully divine” simultaneously. Daniel Migliore quotes in Faith Seeking Understanding that “according to Chalcedon, Jesus Christ is ‘fully divine, fully human, two natures in one person, without confusion or change, separation or division” (172). How these seemingly dichotomous natures truly coexisted may always remain a mystery, but we can understand more about humanity and the nature of God by examining the ways in which Christ lived out his dual natures.
Though I want to focus my discussion on the incarnation, it is important to say a few words about the atoning work of Christ that was done on the cross. I reject any understanding of God that would show God as a bloodthirsty dictator who can only be satisfied by human sacrifice. Though this was never said explicitly, I believe this is the view of the atonement that I grew up with. The violence committed against Christ on the cross is the violence of humanity against God. I suppose the best description of my understanding of the atonement is what Daniel Migliore refers to as the moral influence theory. In this model “Christ shows God’s love in such a compelling way that we are constrained to respond in wonder and gratitude” (Migliore, 185). Jesus’ crucifixion simultaneously reveals the full extent of the love of a God that is willing to become vulnerable for God’s creation while also exposing the full extent of the evil of humanity. What has become so compelling to me as my theology has evolved is that God loves creation enough to be fully vulnerable to it, risking not being loved in return. It is in this love that Christ reconciles rebellious humanity with its Creator.
As crucial as the atonement of Christ is, it is in the incarnation of Christ that we discover the mission of Christ and therefore the mission of the church. Through the incarnation, Christ redefines for us what it means to be human, what it means to be God, and what it means for the human and the divine to be in community. He redefines humanity by being radically free to love God and neighbor, and by not using power in abusive ways. He redefines what it means to be God by being vulnerable, but ultimately doing the things that only Yahweh can do. He defines what it means for humans to be in relationship to God by having within himself the perfect union of self-giving love and a faithful response and announcing the in-breaking of the kingdom of God.
The fourth Gospel begins by telling us that the Word of God became flesh and dwelled among us in the form of Jesus. Paul adds to this understanding in Philippians 2:5-8 by saying that this dwelling was a self-limiting of the One who had the divine nature within him. In the incarnation, we are given a particular model of how ministry can be done. Jesus shows us an example of one who condescends to those in need without being condescending. The incarnation also gives us a model of ministry being done in contextual ways. Jesus’ ministry was completely dependent on the time and place in which he ministered. Jesus knew the things that any first century Palestinian Jew would have known. He was a product and student of his culture. He both knew the needs of those around him and the images and stories that would be most effective in his context. The fact that so many of his parables reflect the agrarian nature of his society demonstrates a high level of cultural awareness. Theologians have debated whether or not Jesus entered the world with full intellect, full awareness of His mission, and full spiritual development. This would, of course make sense with the concept of Jesus being fully divine. However, in light of what is seen in Jesus’ ministry, it makes more sense to say that Jesus “was deeply influenced by the cultural and religious heritage of his people” and therefore he “grew and matured physically, intellectually, and spiritually” within the context of his community (Migliore, 174).
I referred earlier to Luke 4:16-18 as Jesus’ mission statement. In it he refers to a ministry that is focused on particular demographics of people, namely those imprisoned, those infirmed, and those oppressed. Jesus’ ministry reflects concern for those groups, particularly in his healing ministry. Furthermore, Jesus’ ministry reflects God’s desire that those who have been rejected from community will once more be restored to it. Often those that Jesus healed were the ones that the Torah law would exclude from being part of the covenant community. Jesus does not express the nationalistic aspirations of his culture’s elite. Nor does he express the xenophobic tendency to close the door on those outside of the community of faith. As Migliore emphasizes, “Jesus cannot be properly understood if he is seen apart from the covenant of God with the people of Israel or if the scope of his saving work is limited to certain individuals or to a select group rather than reaching out to the whole creation” (Migliore, 167). In Christ, all are invited to God’s table. God’s new family being created in the work of Jesus has none of the boundaries that are created by social stratification or as Paul puts it in “There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female (poor nor rich could be added to this as well), for you are all one in Christ Jesus” (Galatians: 3:28).
It is from this understanding of the work of Christ in his earthly ministry that I adopt my missiology for the church. When I speak of missiology, I am not speaking of the classical understanding of missions that the church has employed. I believe that all Christians are engaged in missions. That has much to do with the postmodern, post-christian context in which the majority of the world finds itself. I see no reason to understand missiology strictly in terms of understanding cross-cultural experience; though I would argue that there is nothing more counter cultural in 21st century America than to truly follow after Christ. My understanding of missiology encompasses the entire “Missio Dei”. It is the church’s mission to continue the community-building work which Christ began. This understanding sees the healing ministry of Christ as a means to an end, the end being the restoration of community.
If missiology is determined by the ministry of Christ then the shape of the church should be determined by our missiology. As Paul says, the church is the body of Christ (I Cor. 12:27) and though it is made up of broken humans, it is Christ’s representatives to the world. Therefore, any understanding of the church must include the idea that the church exists to further the mission of Christ. In my mind, that means that the church’s primary role is a social one. I look at the often quoted Micah 6:8 as a benchmark for understanding what the church should be. Justice, kindness, and humility should be at the heart of what church is about.
I credit a book I have recently been engaged with for some of my newer thoughts on what the church should be. The book entitled The Shaping of Things to Come: Innovation and Mission for the 21st Century Church encourages church leaders in the west to begin thinking with the same minds that missionaries have had for centuries. It encourages an incarnational and contextualized vision of the church and advocates a rethinking of the traditional models of church that spread during the height of Christendom. The authors, Michael Frost and Alan Hirsch, describe three overarching features of what they refer to as the missional church. The first feature is that the missional church is “incarnational and not attractional in its ecclesiology” (Frost, 12). Their understanding of an incarnational church is one where sacred space is not required to encounter the Gospel. “Rather, the missional church dissembles itself and seeps into the cracks and crevices of a society in order to be Christ to those who don’t yet know him” (Frost, 12). This stands in opposition to attractional, “if you build it, they will come” models of church which becomes overly focused on buildings, programming, and performance. The second feature is that the missional church is “messianic” not dualistic. This goes hand-in-hand with the incarnational feature in that it sees creation as holistic and integrated instead of divided into profane and sacred. The final feature of the missional church for Frost and Hirsch is a non-hierarchical leadership structure. The missional church “abandons the triangular hierarchies of the traditional church and embraces a biblical, flat leadership community that unleashes the gifts of evangelism, apostleship, and prophecy, as well as the currently popular pastoral and teaching gifts” (Frost, 12). The intent of this is not to jettison organized leadership altogether, but to instead hold all kinds of leadership as equally beneficial to the life of the church. I would also add some thoughts from Gustavo Gutierrez on this subject. In his book Theology of Liberation: History, Politics, and Salvation, Gutierrez states that the church’s function should be evident in its structure. The church then needs to display in its operation and hierarchy values that are consistent with the in-breaking kingdom of God and not the values of the society. “The break with unjust social order and the search for new ecclesial structures – in which the most dynamic sectors of the Christian community are engaged – have their basis in this ecclesiological perspective” (Gutierrez, 148).
Simply put, while I believe strongly in the mission of the church, I have grown increasingly disenchanted with the shape of the church and the level of apathy that is often associated with addressing the current structure’s shortcomings. I believe that less of the church’s energy and resources should be focused on Sunday morning worship and the ABC’s of church culture (attendance, building, cash). Instead, leaders within the church should be focused on building community, especially among those to whom community is typically denied. This is what Christ did. It should be noticed that Frost and Hirsch wrote their book primarily in response to observations of the large, mainstream, evangelical churches in the West. I do, however, find that their work also speaks to the needs of the mainline denominational churches in this country.
Before moving on, one more important function of the church must be pointed out and that is the proclamation of the Gospel. I believe the quoted passage from II Corinthians is the heart of the Gospel message; in Christ, God reconciles humanity to God’s self. John 3:16-20 also is a fundamental passage (for me and many others) in terms of understanding the Gospel. This passage highlights that God’s motives are motives based in love. I also think it is important that any understanding of the Gospel includes the notion of eternal life with God. This hope for eternal comfort in the bosom of the Creator is especially important to the proclamation of the Gospel to oppressed people groups. Ephesians 2:3-10 also provides a great progression of a life lived in the Gospel. It is a progression from a life in sin to a life lived doing the work that God designed for each of us to do. The Gospel is also an announcement of the imminence and arrival of the reign of God (Mark 1:14-15). It is an announcement that requires response in the form of repentance. This metanoia is not just a one time changing of our minds and direction. It is a daily decision to live a life that is consistent with the values of the kingdom of God. The focal point of the Gospel is of course the life, ministry, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ. The Gospel must contain all of theses components and those of us that proclaim the Gospel must reject unhealthy focusing on one aspect of the Gospel (particularly the death) to the exclusion of the others. As a worker in ministry, I believe that it is incumbent upon me to both proclaim the message of the Gospel and trust in its efficacy. I believe that the Gospel has the power to change hearts and minds and the ability to liberate people from bondage of all forms.
One more function of the church that I will touch on briefly is the administering of the sacraments. At their best, communion and baptism are affirmations of the community we find in Christ. The Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.)’s directory for worship describes the sacraments as “sealing the promises of faith within the community of faith” (W-3.3601). The sacraments are “palpable enactments of the Gospel by means of which the spirit of God confirms to us the…love of God in Jesus Christ and enlivens us in faith, hope, and love” (Migliore, 280). The sacraments symbolize the grace of God to the community and remind us of our common bonds in Christ. My theology has not always been a heavily sacramental one. What I find appealing about sacramental theology is the idea of using common elements as signs of God’s grace thus continuing to combat the church’s dualism.

theology of ministry: basic theological understandings

2006-10-11T08:47:00.000-07:00

II. Basic Theological Understandings
With the Scriptural foundation established, I can now begin making some assertions about what I believe to be the basics of Christian theology. At the heart of theology is our understanding of who God is. For reasons that I hope are obvious from my spiritual journey paper, my understanding of God as Father has been central to my spiritual development. To this day, with an absentee father and an abusive stepfather, the idea of God as the ideal father is rather compelling. Over the course of my theological education, however, I have adopted many additional metaphors for God the Creator (after all, the best we can do is speak of God in terms of metaphors and analogies). In addition to Father and Creator, I have become comfortable thinking of God as Mother, Artist, Rock, and Source. I believe that God is infinite, eternal, omnipresent, omnipotent, and omniscient. As the author of I John proclaims, I believe that God is love. God is love that is freely given and unconditional. God acts in complete freedom, yet is also at times intentionally self-limiting and vulnerable. This aspect is best represented in the person of Jesus Christ. I believe that the best way to know what God is like is to look at the incarnation of God revealed in Christ.
I hold to an understanding of creation that states that God created all things ex nihilo. I find no reason for this view to conflict with what modern science tells us about the planet’s origin. With no actual witnesses present, the creation stories presented in Genesis have to be considered mythologies that help to form worldviews and develop priestly theology. I will say, however, that I also hold to the belief that God would be capable of creating the world in six days. I believe that creation was originally as God intended it to be and that humanity was originally created in the image of God. The fall of humanity has had far reaching effects on God’s good creation.
I believe that humanity is alienated from God by sin. Sin is not just a set of immoral actions that we commit. Sin is a state of being where creation is not as the Creator intended and the image of God has become distorted. At its heart, I believe that sin is when we turn from the Creator and begin to overvalue the creation. In his writing “Body, Soul, Will and the Image of God”, Augustine describes the state of sin as one abandoning “the goodness of the Creator in pursuit of some created good” (Hodgson, 150). Sin can also occur when another created thing is not given the value it deserves as part of God’s creation. Both of these modes of sin can occur on both individual and corporate/institutional levels. To better explain this I turn to process theologian Marjorie Suchocki’s chapter “Sin in a Relational World” from God-Christ-Church: A Practical Guide to Process Theology:
Frequently Christians have personalized [the demonic] and projected them away from ourselves Process theology suggests as a nonhuman being, a devil, whose temptation of humanity in its very beginnings resulted in transgression and original sin. Process theology suggests a more tragic view, naming the cumulative acts of human beings in society as the source of the demonic. We are ourselves corporately responsible for the societies we create and the ill effects they engender. The demonic element is that we are each individually born into a society we did not create; insofar as it contains powers of destruction, these originate prior to our being. These powers can and do overwhelm us, involving us in the condition of alienation that is manifested in personal sin. In the grip of these powers, we continue to perpetuate them (15)

The atoning work of Christ occurs in his life, death, and resurrection. It is atonement for the individual as well as for society. It is atonement that is initiated by God and seeking human response. It is also atonement with an endpoint in mind. I hesitate to make any definite eschatological statements. I do, however, find one particularly appealing vision of the coming reign of Christ in the writings of Miroslav Volf. Volf’s article “Love Your Heavenly Enemy” speaks to the necessity of reconciliation among individuals and people groups (races, ethnicities, classes, etc…) in order to realize our eschatological hopes for the Kingdom of God. Volf argues that for Heaven to truly be Heaven personal enmities need to be resolved to the point that “not-loved ones will have to be transformed into the loved ones and those who do not love will have to begin to do so” (94). Volf goes on to say that in order for those who have found each other as undesirables in this world to love each other in the next, they would in essence have to extend grace to each other and “justify” one another. The “last judgment”, in order to be completed, also needs to have the element of “Final Reconciliation”. “If the world to come is to be a world of love, then the transition from the present world to that world, which God will accomplish, must have an inter-human side” (Volf, 96)
Several elements have to exist in order for humans to repair their social relationships. According to Volf, the first is the giving and receiving of forgiveness. Though God can surely forgive our sins, it is essential that we receive the forgiveness of those we have wronged (and extend forgiveness to those who have wronged us) in order to live in a future world of peace. “…divine forgiveness cannot substitute for a victim’s giving and a perpetrator’s receiving of forgiveness” (Volf, 96). This, of course, echoes the emphasis placed on forgiveness throughout the gospels. The parable of the unmerciful servant in Matthew 18:21-35, for example, emphasizes that God’s forgiveness of sin is to some extent conditional on our extending of grace to others in light of the grace we have received. The Lord’s Prayer, as presented in Matthew 6, draws a direct correlation between the degree that we forgive and the extent to which we will be forgiven. Luke echoes this sentiment with the phrase “Forgive and you will be forgiven” (Luke 6:37). Volf crystallizes the idea, saying “Reconciliation with one’s estranged neighbors is part and parcel of reconciliation with God” (96).
To move into a future world of love, not only must the sins of the present be forgiven, but also the misdeeds of the past. As Volf explains, the future kingdom of God has to be more than just a “fresh start”, but it must also be “redemption of yesterday, today, and tomorrow… Heaven is having had your messy pages made clean and right again” (96-97). This goes beyond a reconciliation of the lives of those who are currently living and active in the world. It requires that old social ills be made right and that the sins of the past be forgiven and resolved. This involves more than the healing of past interpersonal sins, but also of past corporate sins as well. “Hence the final reconciliation of those who died unreconciled must be part of the transition from the present world to the world to come” (Volf, 97).
The final piece of Volf’s argument may be the most difficult. It is a move from continual attempts at self-justification to full acknowledgement of sin. In the final judgment, all will have to give up their right to be right and admit that they have fallen short. Volf’s final argument on this is most compelling:
The divine judgment will reach its goal when, by the power of the spirit, each person eschews attempts at self-justification, acknowledges personal sin in its full magnitude, experiences liberation from guilt and the power of sin, and recognizes that all others have done precisely that - given up on self justification, acknowledged their sin, and experienced liberation. Having recognized that others have changed… one will no longer condemn others but offer them the grace of forgiveness (97)

The call of the gospel to deny oneself includes giving up on being right in one’s own eyes in order to be reunited with others in love. Volf adds that this extension of grace is only fully consummated in the embrace of former enemies. “Reconciliation will take place only when former enemies have moved toward each other and embraced each other as belonging to the same communion of love” (Volf, 97) It is this final communion of love, communion among humans and between humanity and the triune God, that is the hope of Christians which moves us to seek reconciliation with our neighbors in the here and now. The point of Volf’s article is not to say that we should wait until we reach the fulfilled Kingdom of God to begin the work of restoring relationships. On the contrary, our offering and receiving forgiveness is a glimpse of the Kingdom in the present day. In fact, I think it would be fair to say that Volf is arguing that we cannot be ushered into the future world of love without extending grace and mercy to our contemporaries. This brings us into a discussion on the nature and purpose of Christian Life.

Theology of Ministry Intro

2006-10-11T08:42:00.000-07:00

By request, I am putting my theology of ministry paper on my blog. I have to say that writing this was such a profound experience for me. I didn't expect that. For the first time, I think, I was truly, truly grateful for where God had brought me from and for where God is taking me. All that from a paper! I'm going to break this up into sections, so if you feel like reading it, you can read one section at a time. I'd love feedback on this as, even though it was approved by my classmates, I feel like this paper will never really be done for me. Enjoy!

I. Scriptural Basis for My Theology of Ministry

As in any Christian theology, scripture plays a foundational role for my understanding of ministry. Several passages in particular are central to my conception of how the church is to act in the world. First among them is II Corinthians 5:17-19:
So if anyone is in Christ, there is a new creation: everything old has passed away; see, everything has become new! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ, and has given us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting the message of reconciliation to us.

I understand this passage in several different senses. First, it is a statement about the atonement of humanity through the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Second, it is a missiological statement about the nature of the work to which the church is called; the work of proclaiming the reconciliation that is found in Christ as well as the work of reconciling ourselves to one another. Finally, this is an eschatological statement. To be in Christ is to participate in a new creation in which reconciliation, not enmity, is the norm. This new thing that is being created in Christ does away with the old moral order and Paul’s acknowledgement that he has been entrusted with a ministry of reconciliation illustrates that God has a participatory role set aside for those who follow Christ.
The next foundational passages are found in the Gospels. First is Luke 4:16-18:
When he came to Nazareth, where he had been brought up, he went to the synagogue on the Sabbath day, as was his custom. He stood up to read, and the scroll of the prophet Isaiah was given to him. He unrolled the scroll and found the place where it was written: ‘The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to bring good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim release to the captives and recovery of sight to the blind, to let the oppressed go free, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.’
In this quotation of the prophet Isaiah, Jesus is giving what amounts to a mission statement. Jesus’ understanding of himself as the fulfillment of this prophesy has missiological, Christological and ecclesiological ramifications which we will discuss later.
Along these same lines I see Matthew 25: 31-46 as making important missiological claims for the church:

When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit on the throne of his glory. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats, and he will put the sheep at his right hand and the goats at the left. Then the king will say to those at his right hand, “Come, you that are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world; for I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you gave me clothing, I was sick and you took care of me, I was in prison and you visited me.” Then the righteous will answer him, “Lord, when was it that we saw you hungry and gave you food, or thirsty and gave you something to drink? And when was it that we saw you a stranger and welcomed you, or naked and gave you clothing? And when was it that we saw you sick or in prison and visited you?” And the king will answer them, “Truly I tell you, just as you did it to one of the least of these who are members of my family, you did it to me.” Then he will say to those at his left hand, “You that are accursed, depart from me into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels; for I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not give me clothing, sick and in prison and you did not visit me.” Then they also will answer, “Lord, when was it that we saw you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not take care of you?” Then he will answer them, “Truly I tell you, just as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.” And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.’

Though the author of the Gospel of Matthew must have certainly intended these words to have an eschatological tone to them, I imagine that the evangelist also intended these words to shape the understanding of the Christian mission. To finish off this section, allow me to use two more passages of Scripture that will be the springboard for the following theological discourse. First is simply John 1:14:
And the Word became flesh and lived among us, and we have seen his glory, the glory as of a father’s only son, full of grace and truth.

The second is Philippians 2:5-8:
Let the same mind be in you that was in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not regard equality with God as something to be exploited, but emptied himself, taking the form of a slave, being born in human likeness. And being found in human form, he humbled himself and became obedient to the point of death— even death on a cross.

Both of these passages speak to the incarnational nature of Jesus’ ministry and provide a model for the church to follow.

'Catch a Fire' already!

2006-10-11T08:38:00.000-07:00

Just a quick endorsement for a wonderful film I saw last night called 'Catch a Fire'. It is based on a true story and set in apatheid South Africa. It is a film about the power of forgiveness, not just between people groups, but also between individuals. It stars Derek Luke from 'Antwone Fisher' and Tim "Shawshank Redemption" Robbins. What was incredibly great about the screening I went to last night was that it was part of the Mill Valley Film Festival and so the director, the writers, several of the actors, including Robbins and Luke, and the man the film's story was about were all in attendance and stayed for a Q &A after the film. Amazing experience!

What's Bush's job, anyway?

2006-10-09T09:40:00.000-07:00

Daily Show 10/05/2006

This is one of the funnier Daily Show sketches in my opinion! Enjoy!

1-3, the damage the church does, and...other things I might want to blog about

2006-10-09T08:27:00.000-07:00

Ok, let's just rip off the band-aid...

The Steelers are 1-3. This is not good. Maybe they play better when they're backed into a corner. Maybe they enjoy being underdogs. I don't care. I don't enjoy it! I feel that the Steelers should be liable for heart problems I have later in life. If the Steelers don't bench Big Ben (at least for a game) they are playing for next year. I guess that's not fair to say. The whole team hasn't played a complete game yet. They can certainly rebound, but it isn't going to be easy.

If I wasn't a Steelers fan, a world I can't fathom, I would be cheering on da' Bears. Wow, they look amazing right now! Good for them! They've had some awful years recently and right now they are dominating. I also have to say that it is great to see some African American head coaches thriving. Of the three remaining undefeateds, two are coached by black head coaches. And Marvin Lewis is doing a great job in Cincinnati (though I wish he would stop!).

Though I am really only a football fan, I enjoy seeing the joy in the faces of my friends who root for the A's. I honestly haven't been into baseball since my grandfather died (I used to watch baseball with him when I was a kid). Still, there is palpable excitement around certain folks and that is fun for me. Go A's! (from the fan of A's fans)

Shift...

A friend of mine recently came out of the closet to his folks. His dad is a pretty conservative Presbyterian pastor. After a couple of days, his reaction to his son's news was one of the worst things I have ever heard. He told him that this was incredibly hard on him and that he would rather relive his parents' deaths. Let that sink in for a second...I know my friend's dad. He is a good guy. He will regret those words one day. Though I can't say for certain, I'd imagine that a lot of his frustration is that he has been pretty outspoken within the PC(USA) against homosexuality. I have to guess that a great deal of his frustration is church-related.

I went to a meeting a month agao with some folks who are interested in working on the issue of HIV/AIDS. One of the folks there, a gay man with a Catholic background, told the Christians in the room "As a movement, you have shitty PR". He broke into tears explaining the hurt he had experienced in the name of religion.

I have an archenemy. (this is related) His name is Fred Phelps. If Fred was here right now I would quote to him the lyrics of a song by the Plain White T's: Hate is a strong word, but I really, really, really don't like you. (it's a cool song!) Fred Phelps and his people live in a compound somewhere in middle America. They show up at funerals and protest, telling people that God hates them and their actions. They protested outside of Fred Rogers' funeral saying he was going to hell because Mr. Rogers said that we should love gay people. What kind of sick fuck do you have to be to protest outside of Mr. Rogers funeral?! They protest outside of funerals of soldiers coming back from Iraq. They recently were trying to protest outside of the funerals of kids who were killed in Amish country last week. They didn't show up. Why? Well, a syndicated radio show host offered them money not to show up at the funeral. They turned the offer down. Then he offered them air time on his nationally syndicated show. They took that. Grrrr...

Aside: "Sexyback" by Justin Timberlake is not a good song. It is also illogical. When did "sexy" go away? Unfortunately, bad songs are often catchy.

okay, back to the matter at hand. I had a bad weekend in terms of thinking about the damage religion can do. After talking to my friend and then hearing the news about Fred Phelps (the Dr. Octopus to my Spiderman, the Megatron to my Optimus Prime, the Phil Angelides to my Arnold Schwarzenegger, etc...) Marnie and I watch a dateline special about a priest who had fathered two children with an emotionally unstable woman. The church shuffled him all over the place to cover the issue up. He then stood by as the woman overdosed on pills and died. The woman's now adult children confronted him and got him to take paternity test to confirm that he was their biological father. These folks suffered significantly because of the church and a man not living up to his vows of celibacy.

I wouldn't be at seminary if I didn't believe that the church was capable of an equal or greater proportion of good as it is evil. But somedays, I wonder...

my spiritual journey

2006-10-04T13:52:00.000-07:00

Hey all,

I had to write a five page version of my spiritual journey for my senior seminar. I thought I would share it. Of course there is alot I left out. There is actually very little of my seminary experience included so I gave my classmates a chance to ask me questions about it. I also didn't say much about churches I attended in college, including the Open Door. There is also much more i could say about the Pittsburgh Project. Anyway, this is my story in a nutshell. On Monday I will be presenting my theology of ministry paper to my class and if I don't have to rewrite anything, I will put that up here to. Enjoy!

I feel it is necessary to begin my story before I was born. When my mother was seventeen she had an abortion. I was conceived, out of wedlock, in between her first and second marriage, her second marriage being to my stepfather. Many people, some that I dearly love, attempted to persuade my mother to abort me. She said that she believed God was giving her a second chance to not compound a mistake. She has told me that she believed God had a plan for me and she also believed that God gave her my name. Needless to say, I was born.
The first thing I ever wanted to be was a pastor. That desire was spurred on by a pastor at the Assemblies of God church that we attended when I was young. He seemed cool and he gave me candy. I also like the idea of getting up in front of people and being both smart and funny, which I thought he was. Over time the desire to be a pastor faded. For some reason, it began to seem impractical.
The first time I got involved in a ministry, I was in third grade. I worked with a group called Victorious Faith Evangelistic Outreach as a puppeteer. We went into inner city areas of Pittsburgh proclaiming the Gospel through the arts, mostly puppetry and music. I remember that the night before one of our shows there had been a gang shooting not far from where we were going to perform. Amazingly, what we did that day was bring much needed levity to a very tense area. I later started a puppet ministry at my church that basically involved our whole youth group (by this time I was attending a UMC congregation in the suburb where my family had moved to when I was nine. I was no longer attending church with my family. They went to a Pentecostal “prosperity gospel” church that even in middle school rang hollow). I did puppet ministry and was involved at the UMC congregation all the way through high school.
Towards the end of high school and the beginning of college I started to move away from my faith. I no longer could believe what was being taught in my parents’ church, namely a performance-based gospel where God would “bless” me if I did the right things, and I was experiencing a lot of what I considered to be failures in the ministry I was doing at the church I was attending. When I started college I began to think of myself as an atheist. I wasn’t very good at it. I still prayed all the time.
After my second year of college, my brother and sister-in-law invited me to come and work at the Pittsburgh Project for a summer. The Pittsburgh Project is an urban community-based ministry that runs a summer home repair ministry that serves low-income homeowners and does outreach activities for urban youth. It is also where my brother and sister-in-law met. I was looking for a summer job because my internship opportunities in my chosen field (film studies) were falling through. I went to the Project expecting just a summer job. I soon discovered it would be much more than that. After only a few days of being there and meeting the folks who had come to serve in the city, I became very aware of the fact that something significant was happening. Within the first week of being there I was sitting alone on the back steps of the Project building and asking God to give my life direction. That was a stupid prayer. God was more than happy to oblige.
It would almost be impossible for me to overstate the significance of The Pittsburgh Project to my life. Early in my time there I had shared my story with some folks. I focused a lot on the hatred I felt towards my biological father…
Flashback: I didn’t meet my biological father until I was fourteen. Before then, he had called me a couple of times, always promising that we would get together and that I would get to meet the other side of my family. He never followed through. I met him quite by accident. On Easter of 1994 he was at my parents’ church. My mom asked me if I wanted to meet him and, of course, I said yes. Basically all he said to me that day was “nice to meet you”. I pretty much from that point decided that I hated him.
… six years later I am sharing this with folks at the Project. While they understood my anger, they also challenged me to let go of the anger, saying that it might end up being a barrier that keeps me from loving others as Christ wanted me to love them. They were right. I decided that the root of my anger was in the fact that my father didn’t know me, so I wrote him a letter telling him everything I could think of to tell him about myself. I told him about my anger towards him, but I also told him that I forgave him. I held on to that letter until I knew that I could send it and not be hurt by a lack of response. So I wrote it in June and mailed it in October. I haven’t heard back from him. I know where he is. He serves a church in Pittsburgh. I make a conscious effort to forgive him on a regular basis. I honestly believe that the ability to forgive my father has allowed me both to love and to be loved, so it might also be of note that I, like my brother, met my wife at the Project.
The Pittsburgh Project is also where I first heard grace explained. Though it is a word we use a lot in church circles, I somehow went through most of life feeling like God’s love was something that I had to earn. It was at the Project where I heard that there was nothing I could do to make God love me more (or less). My ideas of ministry changed from being performance-based to being gratitude-based.
Racial reconciliation was a frequent topic of conversation at the Project. We read a great deal on the topic. Race issues have always been an important issue for me because I have lived most of my life in majority white situations. Questions of racial identity are a constant struggle for me. Racial reconciliation remains a passionate issue for me.
As I said earlier, there is much I could say in regards to the Pittsburgh Project, but I will add one more thing; it is the place where I began to feel a strong sense of call. Late in my first summer I was leading a small group of students. During one of the evenings I had shared my story about my father. In my group was a cute, small twelve year old girl, a very “perfect” looking child, seemingly happy-go-lucky. During the course of our week she told us all a story that, though we weren’t competing, put mine to shame. She had experienced various levels of abuse, neglect, and instability through her young life due to situations with her parents. Her story broke my heart to the point that I went alone into the Project’s club room and wept. It was in the midst of this that I heard/felt the voice of God say to me that the brokenness and healing I was experiencing that summer was something I could use to help God’s other heartbroken children. Within a year of that God asked me a very simple question: what was the first thing you ever wanted to do? (refer back to page 1, paragraph 2!) That was when I began to seriously consider coming to seminary. In the interest of full disclosure, I probably need to say one more important, Pittsburgh Project related thing: The executive director of the Project was mentored by Phil Butin. For better and worse, that relationship has had great significance for my ending up at SFTS and has also greatly affected my experience here.
I have had some pretty significant ups and downs at seminary. I’ve felt that much of what I knew with certainty before I began my M. Div studies has been challenged. Those challenges have been a growing edge for me. It has made me reevaluate those things that I truly hold to be true. I have struggled greatly with the idea of ordination since I have been here. Recent communication issues with my presbytery have exacerbated that particular struggle. I have questioned whether or not I should be ordained in a denomination that I have only loose connections with and is at times very uncomfortable for me. I have questioned whether or not my place is in a church at all and have considered devoting myself more to an academic sphere.
This summer I had an experience that made me decide to put further academic aspirations on the shelf. I served in an internship in Portland with a consortium of churches known as the Presbyterian Urban Network (PUN). I was working with seven small, urban, congregations that are struggling with aging populations in a city that is getting younger. The churches are dying while the city is thriving. During the internship I got to experience myself in the role of pastor and it felt really good! I got excited about ideas of helping to revitalize a congregation and connecting the church to the larger community. I was also greatly encouraged by opportunities I had to share my faith and build friendships with self-proclaimed atheists, several of whom eventually came to hear me preach. I discovered an identity as an evangelist. Because of my interest in and exposure to the “emerging church” movement, I also was encouraged that I was able to get pastors to think about ways that church can be done differently and be more relevant to the surrounding community.
I have no clever metaphor for my spiritual journey. All I can say is that I am a work in progress. My hope is that I am always a work in progress. I don’t know where I’m heading. My interests are varied. The Gospel of Jesus Christ has made a huge impact on my life, which is why I do not give up on the church, even though I often hate it. Whether or not I am ordained in the PC (USA) or not, I believe that God has a place for me in ministry. I believe that God wants me to continue sharing my story which ultimately will give me opportunity to share God’s story.

Another interesting article

2006-09-27T17:41:00.000-07:00

Here's another interesting article we can file in the 'Christianity gone Wild' column. It is primarily about an evangelical youth culture that is forming. There is one particularly interesting quote; something to the effect that in a complicated (or complex) world that people yearn for the literal. Is that true?

Does God want you to be rich?

2006-09-21T08:49:00.000-07:00

This is a really good article on the "prosperity Gospel" that a friend of mine found in Time Magazine. I was raised in a prosperity Gospel church and this all rings pretty true. It is also interesting to see folks like Rick Warren giving a counterpoint to this theology.

1-1, and why I'm not blogging on ordination right now

2006-09-20T08:33:00.000-07:00

The Pittsburgh Steelers are 1-1.

After a pretty exciting season opening victory against the Dolphins, the Steelers got shut out (that's so painful to type) against the Jacksonville Jaguars. No disrespect to the Jags, they played great and look like a Super Bowl caliber team right now, but the Steelers were awful. Roethlisberger came in fifteen days after his appendectomy and apparently with a temperature of 104 degrees. Something tells me he shouldn't have been playing football Monday. They also seemed to have determined by mid-third quarter that they weren't going to even try to run the ball anymore. I think that was a mistake. I could go on and on...

I've always been a big fan of the Steelers and of football in general(you almost have to be, living in Pittsburgh). Something changed when I came to seminary. I became really invested in the Steelers. Monday night's loss hurt. Fortunately, I haven't had to see the Steelers lose much since I got here, but when I do see it, it sucks! I think since I've moved out here, the Steelers are a connection to home. My fanaticism seems to be proportionate to my homesickness. I've been missing home a little more than usual the past couple of weeks, which I think adds to the sting. Sorry for justifying my insanity, but it makes me feel better. They'll do better against the Bengals this week.

Anyway, a couple of folks have stuff about ordination on their blogs right now (BJ and Nick). I haven't responded to either of their posts. They come at the process from seemingly opposite end of the spectrums. I've decided to steer clear of the subject for now. My process has been terrible so far. I think that clouds my judgment about how I really feel about ordination. Right now, I'm not sure what I feel about it. I respect alot of people who have gone through the process. I respect alot of people who are in the process right now. It seems unfair to bash the process anymore than I already have in the past and so I'm not going to talk about it anymore. I need to clear my head and get some distance. And that's all I have to say about that...for now.

alternative worship in the PGH

2006-09-13T09:48:00.000-07:00

Man, why can't we Pittsburghers just be normal and do church as usual? Check this article out!

being authentic...

2006-09-13T08:40:00.000-07:00

"Authenticity" is one of those values of postmoderns and the emerging church that seems to go underdefined. I guess we assume we can tell when something is authentic. In church on Sunday we talked about prayer being authentic communication with God. We talk about worship being authentic. We talk about living authentic lives. What does it mean for me to be authentic?

Bill Cosby told a joke in the classic standup routine Bill Cosby:Himself. A man to whom he was speaking said "I drink because alcohol enhance your personality" Bill's response is "Yeah, but what if you're an asshole?"

That was mostly antecdotal. My point, can being "authentic" conflict with being "Christ-like"?

I think the answer is "no". (see, you thought I was going to be anti-authenticity)

Being authentic, as I understand it, means being what God created you to be. This is something unique for all of us. I don't want to drag the worship conversation out again (God knows, 20 comments later that thing was beat to death!) but I think one of the major issues with worship is that we are made to conform to modes of worship that are inauthentic to how we would truly express our gratitude to God. One of the things I really loved about my church in Pittsburgh was that we had stations set up during the worship service with different means of reflection at each station. Some of us are old school and get alot from sitting in chair or pew and listening to a sermon. But some of us need to get up when we hear smoething that really touches our soul and journal, or draw, or paint, or pray, or etc... I personally am not much of an in-worship doodler, but I have tons of respect for folks who are and see it as a part of their worship of God.

Prayer is another thing. Prayer throughout the Bible is a deeply personal and unique thing. Sure, there is always a place for the "Dear God, thanks for all the stuff ya' do" kinds of prayers, but there also needs to be space made for "WTF, God?!" prayers. (yes, that is one I have said. This week in fact.)

A great example for authenticity is Laryn Hill's Unplugged album. If you haven't heard this cd, please let me know and I will make it my personal mission to play it for you. Intermixed with the music, which is this amazing fusion of hip hop and folk music, are these interludes which play out like mini-sermons about her spiritual journey. She talks alot about breaking out of religious conformity and finding her own unique expression of worship. This expression, as I mentioned, manifests itself in a fantasticly original rapper/singer-songwriter hybrid style of music. It is authentic to who she was in that place and time and expressed her theology, her praise, and her heartache. There's not alot of hip hop folk singers in the world and by taking a risk and being herself (fusing her passions) Laryn Hill created smoething brilliant and, yes, authentic.

Does the church let us take risks? Does it let us be ourselves? Does it allow for new expressions of who God is in our lives and in the world? We pay some amount of lip service to authenticity, but I wonder how many of us are willing to take the risk of being truly authentic. It might result in something that people have never seen before. Some won't like it. But authenticity is worth the risk. It's worth it to be who God made you to be.

So why am I in seminary anyway?

2006-09-09T16:46:00.000-07:00

I have been asked the question of why I am in seminary several times in several different ways over the last couple of weeks. A couple of the times, I was asking myself, but that counts too. Now, as I have finished my first week of my final year here, I think it might be a good time to revisit this question.

let's go back a little bit. After about a year of working at the Pittsburgh Project (TPP- for those in the know), I started feeling called to making ministry a bigger part of my life. tat actually threw me into a tailspin. Being a good dreamer of the American dream, I have understood education as my logical launchpad into whatever field I might go into. I was at the time studying film and thought that there was no way I could be glorifying God by studying film (it took me a while to get over that mindset). Anyway, that's when I first started thinking about seminary.

My understanding of seminary at the time was that it was the place where I would learn how to do ministry better. In other words, I was expecting to learn orthopraxis here. A few years passed between my original revealtion and the beginning of my application process. I had to get out of my tailspin and finish my undergrad. During that time, I became associated with several folks who planted churches. I really enjoyed learning from them, though I didn't always like what they were doing. Still, it was something I could see myself doing. At the time I was also still working at TPP. I point that out because the whole time I was thinking about seminary and learning how to do ministry better, I was actually doing ministry. I find that interesting.

Anyway, I ended up at SFTS for several reasons. I figured it was the only time that Marnie and I would live outside of Pittsburgh. I figured I would get a more diverse view on the Bible then I would get from Pittsburgh Seminary (I wanted to understand what it meant when people said a place was "liberal" in their theology...I get it now) I came here because, ironically, the financial aid worked out for SFTS better than PTS (the first year anyway, and we never really factored in cost of living...ugh!) In coming to SFTS to learn about ministry, I turned down a couple of great opportunities to continue doing ministry.

Well anyway, I have been thinking about all of this for a couple of reasons. This week seemed to be one where I suffered the consequences of moving 3, 000 miles away. My presbytery continues to give me crap and I think I'm done with them. I don't know what that's going to mean for my future, but I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I've been going through the ordination process is for a sense of job security and, frankly, that isn't a good enough reason anymore. I care more about being back in Pittsburgh then I do about being Presbyterian (which I barely am anyway), so who knows what will be there for me after I finish school, but at this point i am tired of the aggrevation. It's not worth it to me. The second thing was a family crisis. There has been a skeleton in my familial closet for over twenty years now that occasionally falls out and wreaks havoc. This week it fell all the way out of the closet and has brought a lot of pain to alot of people that I love. It has been incredibly heartbreaking and I have felt very helpless being out here. It has made me second guess, not so much going to seminary, but coming all the way out here. I know some good has come out of it. I've met great people and learned a ton about myself, but I've had the kind of week where I am questioning if it has all been worth it.

Sorry this is such a downer, but the second half of my week was really, really hard. If you think about it, keep my family in prayer and keep Marnie and I in prayer as we start dealing with the "what's next?" questions.

BJ's Podcast

2006-09-01T15:14:00.000-07:00

My friend BJ has his first podcast online and you can check it out here. In case I haven't mentioned this before, and I know I have, BJ is the lead pastor of the Open Door, a missional church on the East End of Pittsburgh. While some of the podcast is a plug for an upcoming event, he has alot of good things to say about rethinking the church and its mission. Of paritcular interest to me is the piece where he discusses Christology informing missiology and missiology informing ecclesiology. Confused? Give it a listen.

see, I read comments....

2006-08-29T15:54:00.000-07:00

This was written by one of my classmates/colleagues/friends here at the seminary in response to my last post. He is aware I am doing this, so I'm not just being a jerk:

I was just about to disagree with you about worship being a good entry into faith for non-Christians when I read your impression of worship as something we do "preaching to the choir" as it were. I agree that preaching to the choir, maintenance oriented churches etc... don't make a good impression on non-Christians with their worship, but at that point it is questionable in my mind whether it qualifies as worship. You see, I consider what Peter does in Acts when, just after receiving the spirit, he proclaims the gospel and thousands are converted - I consider that worship. He's giving a sermon. In fact, I don't see how one really becomes a Christian at all if not in worship. Participating in small groups, having a spiritual life, even doing concrete service in the community - none of these make one a Christian. Worshiping God in Christ through the Holy Spirit... THAT makes one a Christian.

Okay, with all respect to my amigo Aric, this rubbed me the wrong way the minute I read it. It isn't even that I necessarily disagree with it 100% (though I suspect I might). It was more to do with the worship-centric approach to the Christian life that us reformed types tend to have. There are a couple of issues here, one of which is how we define the word "worship". That might actually be more where the issue lies, but I'm thinking on my feet here, so bear with me.

At its root the english "worship" comes from the term "worth ship", in other words, it is about how we express God's value and worth in our lives. That is a definition that happen to like and try to live by. in particular, I like it because it is broad. Anything I do born out of gratitude for any gift that God has bestowed is worship. When that happens corporately, then you have a "worship service" or "worship gathering" (I prefer the latter).

I agree with Aric that what Peter did after the Pentecost experience was worship for Peter. Peter, after his experience of the risen Jesus Christ, dedicated his life to spreading the Gospel. What greater expression of worship could their be? For those of us who go into ministry, we are demonstrating God's worth in our lives by dedicating ourselves to the process of becoming more educated and more compassionate ministers. I also think this is true for Jane and Joe Churchgoer. They dedicate their time, money, and energy as an expression of God's worth in their lives. Hopefully, anyways.

No problem so far, right? What I think postmodenity has done has forced us to think about how people get from the point A of post-christendom to the point B of worship and that is primarily where I question Aric's assumption. I apologize if this is just an issue of semantics, but I think you have to have the experience of Christ before you can actually worship Him. That experience could certainly happen at a worship gathering, by no means is that necessarily the case and I'm not even sure that worship services are primarily where people have their first experience of Christ anymore. I think the post-christian generation is more likely to experience Christ through relationships being built than through the a worship service. Granted, the building of that relationship might be considered an act of worship by the person modeling Christ, but it certainly doesn't have to happen in the context of a worship service.

I hope my distinction between "worship" and "worship service/gathering" makes sense. If it doesn't, ask me to clarify and I'll think of someway to do that.

See, I do recognize the need for some amount of "maintenance-oriented" preaching and worship. I think I've been receiving that this week at chapel. But I don't think our worship gatherings are oriented to be the entry points into fatith that a post-christian generation needs. That's a broad generalization, but let's face it, generalizations are easier!

I think one of the pitfalls of having a worship gathering be someone's intro to faith is that emotionalism becomes involved. By that I mean, you go to a worship service and experience a certain emotion that may actually lead you to make some kind of "decision for Christ". However, what often results is an attempt to maintain that emotional high. That's often the downfall of more charismatic worship expressions. Again, gross generalization.

Anyway, I guess what I'm getting at is that I favor less of the hard sell in terms of evangelism and more of a soft sell. I think our worship services are setup to hard sell Christianity whereas when we demonstrate Christ in our words, deeds, and relationships (which takes an investment of time and energy) people who are the outside of our ecclesiastic circles get a fuller picture of Christ and what it means to follow Him.

Commence dialogue...

The Autobiography of Derrick L. Weston

2006-08-25T08:55:00.000-07:00

Besides being the last bastion of incoherent stream of consciousness, my blog will also become a place where information and reflections for my new internship will appear.

Welcome to those of you from Mission Bay Community Church that may be visiting. In case you are wondering who this mysterious new intern of yours really is, allow myself to introduce...myself.

I have lived most of my life in or around the city of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. I am twenty-six. I have been married for three years to an incredible woman named Marnie. She and I met at an urban ministry called the Pittsburgh Project. The Project is a community based nonprofit urban ministry that does home repair for vulnerable homeowners and youth programs for urban youth. I worked there from 2000 to 2004. It is a place you will hear me talk about quite a bit. It was there that I had my faith renewed by seeing people put actions to their faith. It was there that I felt my call to ministry. As I've already mentioned, I met my wife there and I've made some of best friends there. It is a place that feels like home to me.

I did my undergraduate work at the University of Pittsburgh in film studies. I am currently in my third and final year at San Francisco Theological Seminary working towards my MDiv. (Masters of Divinity - cool name, huh?)

Marnie is a social worker, she counsels students at a Marin County high school. She's fluent in spanish. She is also, I might add, awesome!

My interests, other than Marnie, are film, music (I love jazz!), football (Go Steelers!!!), television, books (but only in small doses), and beer. Yes, I include beer as an interest.

Last thing, I had my faith revitalized at the Pittsburgh Project. I had my hope for the church revitalized at a place called the Open Door. That's where I got introduced to the ideas of the emerging church and missional church. If those things raise questions for you, I'd love to at least give you my take on them. I would also point you to the blogs of the Lead Pastor BJ Woodworth, and John Creasy who also ministers there. Both have great things to say about life, faith, and the church.

That's a little about me. Feel free to post. Ask questions. Make comments. Whatever. I'll be around.

Guess whose back...

2006-08-23T10:07:00.000-07:00

...back again. Derrick's back. Tell a friend.

Sorry for the Eminem intro.

Anyway, I'm back in California and have been now for a week. It's been a weird adjustment period. The fact of the matter is that SFTS, for good and for bad, is exactly as I left it. I, however, feel very different. I feel restless. Insomnia might have a little to do with that, as might the residual hangover I get from taking unisom. However, I have a feeling that deeper things are also at work.

I'm realizing now that I had a fantastic summer. Even on my worst days of internship this summer, I was happy to be where I was and to be doing what I was doing. That's not necessarily a reflection on Portland, though Portland does indeed rock! It is more of a reflection on doing ministry. I love doing ministry. Even better? This summer I did something I haven't done in a pretty long time. I made new friends that...wait for it... aren't Christian! That may have actually been the best part of the whole thing.

Two of those aforementioned non-christian friends came to church my last Sunday in Portland and I had a bit of internal struggle over that. On one hand, I was pleased that they were close enough with me and attracted enough by things I had shared with them about my faith that they would come to hear me preach. On the other hand, this was the same church where they said the pledge and did the patriotic hymns before the fourth. I was nervous about my sermon and the environment and I was struck by how much I don't believe that traditional Sunday worship is a good entrance ramp for non-christians. So much of the churchiness we do is completely foreign to post-christianity. Some of it is foreign to me still as a product of the non-liturgical church. Non-christians need entryways into faith. Most Sunday services are really just made to preach to the choir, so to speak. That might be why so many are dying. Realizing that I am an evangelist, these questions have become infinitely more important to me. I realize I didn't ask a question yet, but the question is how do we create appropriate entryways into faith for post-christians, former christians, and non-christians?

Now there is another part of me that is asking if that question is appropriate, especially in light of current events. Well, yes, the question is appropriate, but I also have come to what may seem like a very obvious conclusion: there will never be world peace without religious pluralism. Feel free to disagree, I'd love talk back on this one. I have to say this is a bit of a bummer for me as one who has been raised to believe that religious pluralism is bad. Attempts to promote one faith over another always turn violent. Yes, I believe the truth of Christ. I believe it to my core. To the point that I would die for it? Well, maybe, but I'd rather not and I don't believe that's the true test of religious conviction. I could die for anything, but the better question is what am I willing to live for. The point that I am meandering around is that my conviction of Christian truth is by no means a license to denigrate other faiths and other people's convictions, especially if they hold their beliefs any where near as closely as I hold mine. That's a tough one for me.

On to lighter subjects. I went to the DMV yesterday to register the car I was given by one of my supervisors. Going to a DMV in Marin county is quite eye opening. There were alot of very attractive people there. The man who greeted me and gave me my number was a handsome middle aged guy and it just went up from there. I've been in a DMV where there was maybe one attractive woman getting a new picture taken or something, but the sheer volume of attractive people at the DMV yesterday was staggering to me and obviously I found it noteworthy. The DMV, in general, brings out the worst in people. They get agitated and antsy. Being that I'm taking time off until school starts, I was in no hurry and since I didn't have the anxiety of passsing some kind of test hanging over my head, this might have been one of the more pleasant trips to the DMV I've ever had. I just wish everyone else would have taken the time out to notice all of the pretty people around them and maybe they would have been less agitated. Which brings me to my point: I noticed people around me because I wasn't busy or in a hurry. Some of the people around me weren't attractive, but they seemed more so because I wasn't a big ball of stress. Think about that.

More later...

Rate me!

2006-08-07T10:36:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went through an experience that I was told would be beneficial by one of my supervisors. I had folks evaluate my sermon after I preached this Sunday. She was right, the experience was beneficial. Beneficial because I now know that I never want to have another sermon evaluated by a group of people ever again. As I have heard repeated often this summer, where two or three presbyterians are gathered together, you will have four or five opinions. Some people REALLY appreciate the pace at which I preach ( which has deliberately become pretty slow) some people REALLY didn't like that leave so much space inbetween thoughts. Ugh! The best comment I got: "A sermon should be like a miniskirt, short of enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the subject." Nothing else, so I'm not sure if my sermon yesterday was too long, too short, or was in fact the perfect mini. Oh well. All I really gained from the experience is the reaffirmation that I can't please everyone. I knew that, but it is now abundantly clear.

Anyway, sorry I haven't been a very good blogger as of late. Blame my wife. She distracts me! (best distraction ever!) There has been plenty to write about and once I get out of here, I will begin the process of doing some hardcore reflection on this summer.

I can share a couple of things briefly. Despite the worry that being out here would push me more to the liberal side of things, I would have to confess that the opposite has happened. Getting away from SFTS has made me realize how seperated from mainstream religion the seminary is. It has also made me realize that I have not seperated from my evangelical roots nor do I wish to distance myself from the term "evangelical". After all, Jim Wallis (one of my few remaining heroes) still considers himself evangelical. The bottom line is I think people need to know Christ. That's what I'm in this for. I also think people need to be loved into that knowledge, not beat over the head with religion.

We had a discussion on the emerging church last Sunday with some congregants from the churches. One of the participants of the conversation made the comment that many of the emerging churches he has seen here in Portland tend to have a conservative lean to them. That is, conservative in terms of theology. I have no problem with that and that is probably why the emerging church appeals to where I am right now, it is "conservative" theology (you know, the whole Jesus was God's son, died and rose from the dead and the Bible's a good way to know what God is up to kinda thinking) coupled with a huge emphasis on social justice. So the conservative leaning in that sense doesn't bother me. There's also some emphasis in evangelism. Gee, that doesn't sound bad.

I've discovered (re-discovered) that I really enjoy talking about my faith with the unchurched (or the "Not-Yet-Christian" as Frost and Hirsch refer to them in "The Shaping of Things to Come") People in Portland are open to talking about faith if you're not gonna be all judgey about it. (That's right, judgey!) Evangelism, in my mind, is just about loving people enough to tell them about something that has made a huge benficial difference in your life.

I also like doing the whole incarnational thing. The fact of the matter is, I don't really like church and don't think it is the best place to do ministry. It's an okay place to worship God, but not a good place to do ministry. Pubs, coffee shops, gardens, worksites, hospitals, homes...those are good places to do ministry, in my humble opinion.

Ah, which brings me to the last thing I wanted to write about. I've come to the conclusion that most of us blog out of complete narcissism. I haven't been writing in my blog alot, but I have been reading a bunch of them. We're really quite egotistical, us bloggers. A bit self-absorbed, I would say. Note: I am including myself in that. This feeds my ego. And why not? On my blog, I'm right. You disagree? Post something and I can delete it! Fantastic!

Well, I need to go. If you wouldn't mind taking a second to tell me what you thought of today's post...nevermind.

reflections, thoughts, ideas, but definitely not musings

2006-07-21T12:22:00.000-07:00

Without seeming like I'm pandering to the fact that my soon-to-be internship supervisor does read my blog from time to time, I have to say that I'm excited to be out of my current internship and into the next one. Don't get me wrong, I've had a blast this summer in Portland. I've learned alot about myself, ministry, the PC(USA), the capital 'C' Church, etc... I've gotten to be self-motivated, self-guiding, self-sufficient and that's great.

I haven't really been supervised. That has plusses and minusses. I like the freedom. I need the acountability. While I've been treated like a colleague, I don't really feel like I'm on a team. I like working with a team. I haven't had much room for theological reflection other than the little bit that I do here, which isn't much at all. I've been doing tons of reading this summer that I will never discuss with my seven supervisors. Seven supervisors. What was I thinking? What were they thinking? It's like reporting to the Jedi Council every week. They're kind of distant and wouldn't really know if I was going to the dark side or not. until it was too late and I stormed the presbytery meetings with clone troopers ... I probably shouldn't put my fantasies into writing.

i'm looking forward to being in one place, with one supervisor, with one personality (I think?), and one set of expectations. I'm really excited to be serving one community where I can actually get to know people's names (something I'm not good at without youth group style name games) and actyually be apart of people's lives.

In other news, it's hot here. Really hot. Marnie and I are going to the Oregon coast the next couple of days to escape the heat for a bit. With all this heat creeping across the country, you have to wonder if Al Gore is onto something with this whole "global warming" thing he's invented. I have to say, he was far more helpful when he invented the internet.

Well, I should go pack for the beach. Stay cool!

Half way points

2006-07-12T12:43:00.000-07:00

Today is my half-birthday (meaning I've been twenty-six for sixmonths now). It is also about halfway through my summer internship. Though I don't really have much to reflect on as to the nature of being a 26 year old in today's society, I do have alot to think about in terms of being halfway done with a fairly unique and intense internship.

Realizing that I will only be here another five weeks or so, my expectations have been refined. While I would say that much has been accomplished, I won't actually "finish" much this summer. I have to be okay with that. I have preached three pretty good sermons. I've helped the PUN pastors to think about ways that they can be more engaged in their communities. I have had conversations with folks outside of the church about faith and religion. I guess those are accomplishments.

In following the lectionary, I preached on II Corinthians 12:1-10 this past week. Paul talks about the "thorn" in his side that keeps him humble. There have always been debates as to what that thorn is. I'd like to throw a new theory into the ring: the thorn in Paul's side was time. Anyone who truly engages in ministry (and loves people) probably wants to be freed from the confines of time. To have more time to do the work that God has uniquely created for them. In the declaration that "My grace is sufficient for you", God is reminding Paul that while he is bound by time, God is not. The peace to know that God is not hampered by time as we are is truly an extension of grace.

The best thing I can do in the next five weeks is to establish relationships. That is really all I've done since being here, and according to my mid-internship evaluation, that seems to be making people happy.

Speaking of which, some interesting reflections came out of my evaluation. Stephanie pointed out that the PUN pastors really treated me like a colleague and that that was the best thing that come from an internship. An interesting perspective. It's true, I have been treated very much like a colleague of the pastors I work with. My gifts have been appreciated for probably the first time since I left Pittsburgh (by someone other than my wife), which has been very empowering. i don't know about you, but I want to work harder when I'm appreciated.

The other interesting thing that came out of the evaluation was the question of how I'm dealing with the responsibility/expectations that come with being a pastor. I described the feeling as being like wearing a suit that is too big for you. in general, I think I've handled it well. The weirdest thing is actually hearing people refer to me as a "pastor". That has happened several times since I've been here. It feels strange, but I guess that's what I'm here for.

This Sunday I think I got the compliment that meant the most to me. My preaching has overall been very well received. This Sunday there were three older African Americans at the church where I preached. The pastor of the church had invited them to hear me preach. One of them was a retired pastor and the other two had been very involved in ministries for a long time. To hear them say how much they appreciated my preaching meant more to me than I can probably articulate here. I've always had a little bit of anxiety about preaching to a certain demographic of African Americans, so to see them nodding along and smiling throughout my sermon and then to receive affirmation from them was huge for me. Does that make sense?

Anyway, there is much more to do. Thank God that He will be in Portland long after I'm gone (and was here long before I came)!

Anyone else notice that my blog looks different?

Could I BE more orthodox?

2006-07-12T11:09:00.000-07:00

You scored as Chalcedon compliant. You are Chalcedon compliant. Congratulations, you're not a heretic. You believe that Jesus is truly God and truly man and like us in every respect, apart from sin. Officially approved in 451.

Chalcedon compliant

92%

Pelagianism

67%

Nestorianism

50%

Monophysitism

50%

Modalism

42%

Apollanarian

33%

Monarchianism

33%

Adoptionist

25%

Socinianism

17%

Arianism

Gnosticism

Albigensianism

Donatism

Docetism

Are you a heretic?
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Where Patriotism Belongs...

2006-07-04T18:34:00.000-07:00

Happy Independence Day!

As a codependent, I am more prone to celebrate the arrival of my wife here in Portland for the rest of the summer than a patriotic holiday, but oh well.

On Sunday we went to one of the churches that is part of PUN. I suppose it was only coincidence that I would end up at the most conservative of the churches on the weekend preceding the fourth. It was agonizing. We began the service with the pledge of allegiance. I'm actually quite surprised I remembered the thing! Of the five hymns that were sung, four had a patriotic tinge to them. I felt dirty.

Saying the pledge in church is quite against my nature. I certainly don't consider the republic (for which it stands) as one of my primary allegiances. God, Family, friends,...okay. I'll pledge allegiance to them. The poor, the outcast, the oppressed...I'd love to pledge my allegiance to them!

It got me asking the very basic question of whether or not patriotism of this kind belongs in church. For the congregation I was in, it was obviously meaningful. For me, it was only upsetting.

Don't get me wrong, I love America. I wouldn't want to live anywhere else. Except maybe Canada or Australia. Anyway, I love the freedom I have here. I love the doors that are open for me. I don't love America's history or the ahistorical way in which super-patriotic people address the greatness of the country. I don't like what America is and is becoming on the global stage, which is nothing more than a bully in the world's playground. I don't like how America treats its poor, its children, its elderly. I don't like how America handles its diversity.

I critique America because I love it. I want it to live up to its potential. I want it to be the becon that some say it already is. I want their to truly be liberty and justice for all. I am invested in America and its future. I've never had a strong draw toward foreign mission (not on a long term basis anyway) so I believe that my minstry will play itself out in this country. I'm invested in this country's cities, its people, its future.

What I'd love to see is other countries praising America instead of us praising ourselves. I would love for us to take a step back from being world police and let the nations tell us where we can help. I'm not talking about isolationism. Just not imperialism. I want America to rebuild its credibilty abroad. John Kerry said that alot and that was one of the few things I agreed with him on. Wars have tarnished our reputation.

I'd love to believe that God still has a great work left to do in America. I hope that great work isn't accomplished with its decline.

My neighbor is an immigrant. He's quite patriotic. America offers him opportunities he would not have in his country. Its funny how we're trying to close the door to the people who will really love this country and recognize its promise. Spoiled kids like me don't love America as much because I haven't had to work as hard. Maybe if America became a place where we all felt like we were serving and had to serve again (like the World War II generation feels) than maybe we'd love it more too. People love a country when they have to work for it. I haven't had to work for America, it was handed to me.

I don't think through my posts before I post them. Always stream of consciousness.

So I don't know if what will help for me is to become more a servant of my country, thus working harder for it, or if I want my country to do something for me that its not doing. JFK said "Ask not what your country can do for you..." you know the rest. So what can I do for my country?

I'm so hot right now...

2006-06-26T22:27:00.000-07:00

...that's funnier if you've seen Zoolander...

wow tough crowd

okay, so it's been over 100 degrees two days in a row. Today it was 102. The weather is beginning to make me question the existence of hell. If God is a God of love, He couldn't possibly send people somewhere hotter than where I've been the past two days. I suppose there's the off chance that Portland is hell, but that would upset alot of people.

I've now given two fairly successful sermons on back-to-back weeks. By successful I mean that I wasn't called a heretic, tarred and feathered, kicked in the junk or anything like that.

I'm somewhat apologetic for my previous two posts. Not in a regretting posting them sort of way. I just feel like if people don't know me well (and don't know little things like, oh I don't know, my wife is white) that they might misunderstand my posting those things. I've just gotten kinda fed up with how this country's racial issues have been swept under the carpet lately.

Tonight I met with a group of young adults (what do you call us? kids? folks? I hate the term "young adults") who are wanting to plant a community garden in the back of one of the churches I'm working at (or at which I'm working...my mom is in my head right now) They're really enthusiastic about it and the fact that the church isn't really asking anything of them is kind of a shock. It could be a really good thing for the neighborhood and it's great that the pastor recognizes that.

By the way, I figured out my its/it's problem. I used It's a wonderful life in a sermon a couple of weeks ago and for some reason that made it stick.

I finally started "Shaping of Things to Come". So far it is a fantastic book. At some point I should consider reading fiction.

Well, I'm tired. And hot. And not in the sexy way. Just in the sweaty way. And not sweaty in the sexy way. Just sweaty in the sweaty way. I also think the heat is making me a bit delirious. I'll see y'all tomorrow when it is going to cool all the way down to the nineties. Yay!

Portland Getting Whiter

2006-06-22T13:25:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned in my earlier post of the day, Portland is the whitest city in the country. Here's an article from the Washington Post that talks about the dynamics going into that reality.

kinda random today...

2006-06-22T10:12:00.001-07:00

so I haven't blogged in a couple of days, which keeping with the tone and flavor my internship to this point means tons of shit has happened. While I've primarily been engaged in sermon writing this week (seriously, what else can be said about David and Goliath and/or Jesus calming the sea that hasn't already been said...stupid lectionary) the rest of the world continues to do things that baffle me.

So while the rest of the world watches the World Cup, those of us that live in Presbyteria have been watching GA stuff. The Peace, Unity, and Purity (PUP) report, which is quite a good read if you're into fiction, passed with some amendments. The long and short of it is that the PC(USA) is not going to change its ordination standards language in the Book of Order (BOO!) but individual presbyteries will have some flexibility in how they interpret the ordination standards. From what I gather, this has successfully made everyone unhappy. Neither conservatives nor liberals think it goes far enough in their direction. According to my friend who is at GA, alot of discussion has begun about people wanting to leave the church. Oh, and the guy who has pledged to make the $150 million donation is bankrupt. (slight exaggeration)

On to more pathetic subjects than the PC(USA)... Oregon is currently graduating 25% of their African American students from high school. I repeat, Oregon is currently graduating 25% of its African American students from high school. In other words, one out of every four black high school students in Oregon is graduating from said high school. I've thought of seventeen other ways to put that, but the bottom line is that is disgusting!!! It's the lowest percentage in the country. The state should be embarrassed, the school system should be embarrassed, the african american community here should be embarrassed, and of course, the church should be embarrassed. If these folks aren't embarrassed, I'm embarrassed for them. By the way, the national average for african american high school graduation is 51%, which is still embarrassing, but Oregon is not helping our average here.

By the way, Portland is supposedly the whitest city in America. I feel like I've been whiter places. That would explain the bitterness.

Seriously, any thoughts on I Samuel 17 or Mark 4:35-41 would be much appreciated.

The sun has come out, which usually improves my disposition. Maybe if I actually leave the house it will.

So two things I have to be happy about. On Tuesday night my friends took me to this jazz club called Blue Monk. On Tuesdays there's no cover (awesome) and they have really good beer on tap (double awesome) and the trio that plays there on Tuesdays is totally sick (that's a good thing)! Needless to say, I have a Tuesday night hang out! Apparently, they also serve food.

Second thing, on Wednesday mornings I have been going to an ecumenical lectionary study. It has been very enriching. Though the Presbyterians outnumber the other denominations represented, it is great to hear such a wide variety of opinions on scripture, life, and ministry. The group includes UCC, Lutheran, Episcopal, and I think Catholic clergy. They deal with the passages for the next Sundays lectionary readings, thus giving you over a week to mull over the rich conversation. Is there anyway to start an ecumenical denomination without becoming unecumenical? If there is, that's what I want to do.

I've promised that I will write down some further thoughts on Race Matters and the excerpts from A Testament to Freedom that I have read. Maybe I'll do that tonight. For now, I'm going to take a shower and go enjoy the sun!

baptism by fire

2006-06-20T17:16:00.000-07:00

Life seems to be happening faster than I can blog about it. I suppose that's good as I'm spending more time involved in living life than writing about it. Or something like that.

Yesterday I had my first real pastoral care call and it was quite a doosey! The church where I actually have pastoral care duties is the first one that I visited. I remeber telling Marnie at the time that I didn't think there was any way that they would actually call me in a pastoral emergency while the pastor is in France. I said the same thing to my friends Josh and Jon the other night as we cruised Portland. So you can imagine my surprise when I not only got a call, but also had to deal with some pretty intense stuff. I have to admit, I haven't had much time to process the whole experience, which I imagaine is what I'm doing to some extent now. On one hand it felt good (humbling and an honor) to be there for someone in a time of such pronounced need. On the other hand, I felt woefully unprepared and inadequate. To be honest, I still feel a little drained from the whole experience.

My sermon on Sunday, which also drained me, went over pretty well. Having not had the experience of worshipping at that church before I preached there, I was a little surprised by the atmosphere. For this being the church that might not be around in a year, it seemed very vibrant and alive. Certainly you can't get a church's full story in the amount of time that I was there, but it seems like they are just wrestling with some hard questions, not dying. I feel that some of the churches I visited before this past Sunday were closer to death than this one, though none of them thankfully seems ready to check out.

Those of you with any connection tothe PC(USA) have no doubt heard about the 150 million dollar bandaid the presbyterian church was given. Here, it seems to be the only thing from GA that anyone wants to talk about. It almost feels like it was planned that way: a well intentioned and incredibly generous diversion from the church's real issues. 150 million is alot of money, gaudy in some ways. But it won't solve the church's real problems because the church's real problems aren't financial.

I'm grumpy today. I shouldn't blog when I'm grumpy.

Procrastinating...

2006-06-16T14:09:00.000-07:00

Well, actually I'm not procrastinating. I'm finishing up a sermon and I have a little bit of writer's block. It'll get done. It might just finish itself Sunday morning.

Marnie is coming into town tonight! YEA!!!!!! I've been cleaning and stuff today. I'd rather she not see that I've been wallowing in my own filth for two and a half weeks... two and a half weeks! that's a long time to be apart. After this we have to do another two weeks. UGH!!!

So the sermon I'm working on is for a church that might not be there in a year. Its currently worshipping at about twenty a week. The pastor told me that this week she is beginning the conversations with the church this week about the church's future or lack thereof. its weird writing a sermon under those circumstances. Am I just shuffling the deck chairs on the Titanic here? Weird feeling. I'm reminded that I'm just here to be faithful with the time that I have. I have to remind myself that I'm not here to save Portland. I wouldn't want that job anyway.

I had an interesting exchange with one of the pastor's here. On Tuesday afternoon we had are regularly scheduled lunch meeting where I mentioned something about all of us minister types having had some sort of life transforming encounter with Jesus Christ. Later that evening I went to a neighborhood association meeting with one of the pastors. After the meeting he mentioned to me that his church is more "evangelical" than some of the other PUN churches. I told him that wasn't a big deal to me and that I had been raised in a pretty "evangelical" church. He went on to say that he had gotten that impression from what I said earlier. "Its kind of a shock to hear Jesus mentioned in a Presbyterian meeting"...uh...okay. When did "evangelicals" get a corner on the Jesus market? When did Presbyterians abandon Jesus? If Jesus isn't being brought to the meetings than no wonder the churches are shrinking. Maybe we need to have a "bring your saviour to work" day.

I met a pastor here the other day who some would call emergent (mostly because he's a young, white, male pastor), but he des not consider himself that. Missional, yes. Emergent, no. Interesting all the terminology we come up with. Anyway, after explaining what I'm doing, his advice to me was that I need to call these churches to repentence for not truly preaching the Gospel of Jesus Christ. He believes that there is no reason for a church to be dying in Portland. He believes that churches say they want new people, but what they actually want are new people who look and think like them (if they actually want new people at all). I believe he might be right. I think that's true of most of us; we want people in our churches (and in our lives) that look and think like us to the exclusion of difference in opinion, race, religion, etc...So how do we break out of that? I don't know, but I'll let you know when I've figured it out! hahaha...

Last thing, Dietrich Bonhoeffer has some really interesting thoughts on the nature and mission of the church from 'A Testament to Freedom'. I've been reading them in my devotional the past week or so. I'll share some of that next week. Something to look forward to...

2006-06-12T16:45:00.000-07:00

So I have all of this wonderful stuff to blog about, but it has to wait because of Ben Roethlisberger. For those of you that don't know, Ben is the quarterback of my beloved Pittsburgh Steelers. He was in a motorcycle accident today. He wasn't wearing a helemt, which in my mind puts him in the lucky to be alive category. In the midst of a very good and very full day, I've been dealing with this on a couple of levels. Marnie called me this morning, sounding very panicked. When she asked if I had heard the news, I feared the worst (though not really knowing what the worst, might be I just prepared myself for anything). As it turned out, I was pretty freaked out by the news, but somewhat relieved it wasn't something worse. What was weird was that I was playing Madden '06 (the NFL video game) and was a particularly bad game with Big Ben (the defense kept us in it). I often tease my wife for having unhealthy boundaries between reality and fantasy (like when she has dreams she's hanging out with the characters of Friends (the characters, not the actors), but my own fantasy/reality barrier (or lack thereof) was severely exposed as a person who has for the last few months been a video game character to me was taken to the hospital for emergency surgery. All reports indicate that he'll be fine. Broken nose and jaw. Some other internal stuff will probably surface. For those of us that are into sports, I think we get closer to athletes than other "celebrities". They're somewhat more accessible. You're more likely to meet (at least it feels that way) and in a football city like Pittsburgh, they feel like more apart of your community. At the same time, I had to ask myself the question of why Roethlisberger's accident was important to me. Was it because I see him as a beloved child of God or because he entertains me as an athlete? The other level on which I was thinking about this whole thing is the issue of mortality. In an interview he did in the offseason, Ben talked about how he rode without a helmet, but that he was safe. I would imagine that as a 23 year old quarterback on one of the best teams (well, the best team!) in the NFL that there has got to be a bit of a feeling of immortality. I'm sure he's not feeling that today. I've been thinking about that in terms of the churches I'm working at. I hate to admit it, but I'm a bit of an ageist. One of the reasons that I (and I think many my age) are creeped out by older people is that they remind of us of our mortality. They remind us that we are just grass. Yesterday, one of the churches had a health fair. I learned alot, but it was depressing. Why does death depress us? Better question: why does dying depress us? I spent today with an older gentleman (a retired pastor) from one of the churches and he reminded me that older people have alot to offer. They have perspectives colored by history and by experience. They have wisdom that is time tested. They have stories. and if we're willing to listen, they have visions for the future. Not all do. But many do.
Of course, as a Steelers fan, the level that I'm working on is one of wondering what kind of condition Ben will be in by the time that football season starts. That's pretty selfish. He's a human being whose suffering, but like many human beings, I only see him in terms of what he can do for me. Which isn't actually anything, directly, other than give me a greater sense of pride in a place that I'm already pretty proud of. I do hope he's okay.

The story of me and my next door neighbors is beginning to spread...I've become a bit of a maverick in Presbyteria. HA!

I'm currently reading 'Race Matters' by Cornell West. It is a phenomenal book. He has quite a vision for the future of race relations in this country. Its been a quick read thus far. I'll write a more comprehensive review when I'm done.
Speaking of reviews, I saw a couple of pretty intense movies in the last week or so that I'd like to recommend. The first was 'V for Vendetta'. Its an over exaggerated tale of what happens when conservatives take over the government. There are some not so subtle jabs at the current administration. It is a very fun film, despite its political undertones. Hugo "Agent Smith" Weaving is quite good in it and you never see his face. Natalie Portman, however, carries the film. Her british accent is suspect, but its good that some one trusted her enough to let her hold an action movie togther (ahem...George Lucas). The other one is 'A History of Violence'. As the title would suggest, the film has some rather graphic images in it, but it is also quite good. The ending is a bit confusing, but best I can tell, the film ends on a note of showing the redemptive power of love. If you've seen it and disagree, please chime in. enough for now. More later.

Another Sacred Encounter

2006-06-08T15:00:00.000-07:00

Weird stuff happens to me out here. I just bumped into a guy on the street who was walking down the street with a cane in his hand (he was holding it, but not using it). He started talking to me when a random noise on the street startled us both. From there we talked about a really nice Mazda station wagon we saw parked on the street (it was okay...its still a station wagon). The he asked me if anyone I knew could use a cane. I told him no, but that the church I worked at might have someone who could use it. He then went on to tell me that he didn't feel as sentimental about the cane as some other things his father had left him. His father died at three this morning. He watched him die slowly over time of stomach cancer. Again, I can't express how privileged I felt listening to him tell me about the struggle he's gone through over the past few months. He goes to a church around the corner, so I hope folks rally around him. I also hope I bump into him again. He gave me the cane for now. He may want it back at some point, but he said that his dad would want it to go to someone who could use it. I told him the churches where I work have some elderly folk (his does not).

Before we parted ways he said "Do you know what time my dad died? Three o'clock. Jesus died at three o'clock" According to Luke 23:44, he's absolutely right (albeit Jesus died 3:00 PM, not AM... I had to look it up). What faith! I guess Portland's not as Godless as I was led to believe.

If you think about it, pray for Mark.

just in case you were wondering how evil I am ...

2006-06-06T21:50:00.000-07:00

You Are 40% Evil

A bit of evil lurks in your heart, but you hide it well.In some ways, you are the most dangerous kind of evil.

How Evil Are You?

Money and other frustrations

2006-06-06T21:25:00.000-07:00

Money sucks! Well, I guess the need for money sucks. Having to plan your life around how much money you have sucks. Feeling limited and stifled because of money sucks! The actually bills and coins are rather pleasant.

I know that alot of what motivates the pastors I am working with this summer is money. Not so much what they make, but what the churches bring in in order to keep their doors open; a legitimate concern I suppose, but it makes you act more as a CEO than a shepherd (to use Dan Kimball's terms). I wish that churches could think of themselves in other terms other than an organization that needs a building and whatnot.

My own personal frustration comes from having to make decisions I don't want to make. Because my wife and have dumped so much into our car as of late (including a windshield we're getting replaced tomorrow ....stupid kids!) we're having to decide if it is really feasible for her us to hookup this weekend. Grrr...

My other frustration of the day goes back to the churches I'm working with. They want me to help design an "emerging" worship service, but they don't want it to be something sustainable. Just something that whets the appetites of their communities to do something different. I don't get that at all. They have an opportunity to reach out to this growing community of young adults with families but no church connection and they just want to play with the style a little.

Okay, last one. Why do we Presbyterians have this thing about pastors not being members of the church and instead being members of the Presbytery? Maybe I'm just dense, but it seems to me that if the pastor doesn't really have to feel the congregation's sense of urgency (or need, or joy, or whatever the congregation might be feeling) than they aren't really able to be adequate shepherds. I understand the there are protections built into the system for clergy, but why are we so scared of our congregations?

Alright, enough out of me. Its late and I haven't had dinner. Maybe all of this will make sense after I eat.

the Porpoise-Diving Life

2006-06-05T15:01:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you just see a title that catches your eye - The Porpoise-Diving Life was one that caught mine. While it initally looks like a stab at The Purpose Driven Life, the author, Bill Dahl refutes that idea. He's got articles, poems, and descriptions of his books online. Seems like an interesting guy. From what I read, I think he's got his head (and heart ) in the right place. Check it out!

Finally, I'm in Portland!

2006-06-05T09:56:00.000-07:00

I realize that this whole thing has gone down in relatively no time at all, especially for something Presbyterian, but it feels like I've been talking about going to Portland for a long time. Well I'm here now. I've been here since Wednesday. It is already going super fast. I'm going to try to get back to my lenten pace of blogging, because my mind has been going a mile a minute (60/mph) since I got here. I'm going to do this post in sections.

I. Adjustment

So my biggest adjustment, of course, is being without my best friend. I've talked to Marnie pretty much twice a day on the phone since I touched down, but I hate talking on the phone. Of course I'll do it for her. As some of you know, Marnie and I were really good friends before we got married. My only advise to any single person would be to marry a friend. Alot of other things can come and go, but friendship is sustaining. I really miss her company. I will hopefully see her this weekend.

A much smaller, but possibly more frustrating adjustment is having to use dial-up again. What is this the stone age?! Hopefully, I'll get that rectified soon.

One pretty awesome adjustment is living in a house. It's a cool little place. Cozy might be an adequate descriptor. The bathroom is on a different floor than the bedroom and having a bladder like an 80 yr. old, that's kinda frustrating, but other than that, I love being in a house. Going back to Hunter is going to suck!

So the other major adjustment, and my segue point, is the adjustment from "student" to "intern". Honestly, I've been waiting for this since I got here, but it is weird. For all intents and purposes, people look at me and treat me like a minister. That is cool and scary and humbling and exciting all at once! An example: for one of the churches I will work with I will be on call to provide pastoral care while the pastor is on vacation. I initially thought that this group of sixty, seventy (maybe eighty?) year old white folks isn't going to want this 26 year old black guy to come visit them if they have a "spiritual" need. I was shocked by how warmly the church reacted when the pastor announced that I would be available for those duties. As Marnie explained to me, they se me as clergy (or at least someone with the aspiration of ...clerginess?). Its a huge shift. (BTW: I don't know if you've noticed but I use "its" and "it's" interchangeably. That's something I don't think I ever learned adequately and don't particularly care about anymore)

II. The Internship

So I'm working for about seven small (membership under 125) Presbyterian churches in South East Portland. They are "urban" but not "inner city". These churches are, for the most part, in decline. While I am definitely here to learn and observe, I'm also here to generate ideas that might help these churches grow and reach their communities more. These churches are part of an experiment (that's really the best way to describe it) called the Presbyterian Urban Network (PUN...ha, ha!). PUN has only really "existed" (I put that in quotes because there is still some ambiguity to PUN's existence) since November. Igot the feeling from a conference I attended on Saturday that everyone in the Presbytery of the Cascades is thrilled about PUN. C'est la vie.

Speaking of the conference, I went to this thing sponsered by the transforming congregations task force of the Pres. of the Cascades. It was boring as hell! Actually the information was interesting, but it was all very vague and I didn't hear them address practical steps to transforming the churches. Instead they talked about models of culture and what not. They talked about change in very vague and inoffensive terms when I think these churches need to hear things in specific and possibly offensive terms. What do I know?

The churches themselves are interesting to me. I heard all of this talk coming up about how liberal Portland was/is. Its true. You can tell by driving around what the values of the culture are. The churches, the ones that I've seen so far, look nothing like the neighborhoods. (Hmmm...I wonder if that has anything to do with the decline?) I was surprised by how "conservative" alot of the language I heard in these churches was. Some of this might just be adjusting from the PC gobbelty guk we use at SFTS, but it was a little bit of a shock. (I am so moderate, see I insulted everyone!)

III. Who are my neighbors?

Okay, one more section. This is actually a story. So when I moved in my landlady told me that my next door neighbors were a couple in their twenties who were bi-lingual teachers. Excellent! Going into this weekend I hadn't met them yet. Friday night/Saturday morning I heard alot of noise coming from next door. People hangin out noise: talking, laughing, music, etc... I had to get up early that morning so it didn't really bother me (I heard them around 4 and I was waking up at 6, no big woop). The next night, I went to bed later and was waking up later. Around three I hear them again. This time I'm thinking, I need to get back to sleep and I can't becaus ethey're being loud. I considered my options: I could go out and yell at them, I could call the cops, or I could go introduce myself. After a brief prayer ("Okay, God, what should I do?") I put on my sweatshirt and jeans and went outside. The woman I later found out was my neighbor asked if they were being too loud. Before I could answer another one of them asked if I wanted a beer, a question I rarely say no to. Long story short (ish), I stayed out with my neighbors and their five freinds for about an hour having a couple of beers and talking. Funny thing is, we ended up spending most of the time talking about what I'm doing this summer and, by natural consequence, talking about religion. It was a really awesome experience. Several of them are self-described atheist, though they admit to have a spiritual side (typical postmoderns!). I think they were really shocked to talk to a Christian like me, you know, one who will have a beer at 3:30 when they have to be at church at 10! Seriously though, I think they were impacted that I'm not a conservative, republican, Bible-thumper who was going to judge them. I explained to them what my faith meant to me. One of them even said, "Now I would love to hear a sermon from you". I told them he would have about seven opportunities this summer. We'll see if anything comes of that, but I was priviliged to have that interaction. To share my faith in those kinds of context really is my ultimate goal. It was casual, open, non-judgmental (on either side, they certainly had plenty of reason/opportunity to judge me), and respectful. They seemed genuinely grateful that I would share my beliefs with them. They told me that since my neighbors are teachers that they are out there whenever they don't have school the next day and gave me an open invitation to join them. That was cool!

So here's the challenge: I can manuever in the gray haired Presbyterian world pretty well. I can also manuever in the twenty-something "atheist" world fairly well. How do I bridge those gaps? Is it a bridge worth building if the churches make the twenty somethings conform to their standard? Hard questions. Important questions. Keep me in your prayers.

Its great to be doing ministry again!

indefinite hiatus

2006-05-29T16:00:00.000-07:00

Hey all,

My blog will be on hiatus for an indefinite length of time. I'm not sure what my internet access will be like at my place in Portland. I will get back to this as soon as I possibly can.

Peace!

2006-05-23T12:26:00.000-07:00

Postmodern Negro has by far the most interesting take on this whole DaVinci Code debacle that I have read. Check it out!

2006-05-23T11:41:00.000-07:00

"I remember when you used to blog," my wife said to me last night. It's amazing how she gets in my head.

Anyway, there's tons to write about. I can't believe this time next week I'll be going to Portland. Weird! I'm pretty excited as I still have no idea what to expect from my internship. I'm also incredibly nervous as I have no idea what to expect from my internship. I'm also not thrilled about the idea of spending so much time away from my wife. Introvert that I am, I do get lonely. Hopefully June will go by quickly...but not too quickly.

Having finished my fourth of six semesters of seminary is a weird feeling. Honestly, I'm quite ready to be done. I realized this weekend that I wasn't very engaged in my coursework this past semester. I was doing alot for the "community life" on campus, but to be honest, I was pretty bored with classes. I remember how stressed, engaged, and challenged I was by the first year. This semester, I was none of those things. Marnie told me on Friday that I'm like a duck. Of course, I had no clue what she was talking about. She explained that a duck looks like it is gliding effortlessly across the water, but in actuality, it is working its little duck feet under the surface. That's me, from her perspective. I took it as a compliment.

A handful of my friends graduated this weekend. What's weird is that I don't have that "it's the last time I'll ever see you again" feeling that I sometimes get at graduations. The ministry world is a relatively small one and I find it hard to believe that I won't be crossing paths with many of the '06 SFTS grads in the future. Still, I will miss people. Some very much. The campus will feel very different next year.

These are some pictures of the house where I'll be living this summer. it will nice to live in a house again. Of course, coming back to Hunter will be hard. It will probably just make me more antsy to get out of here. But back to the house. I think it is pretty sweet! The generosity of the folks in Portland has already been quite overwhelming. Maybe that's just how Portland folk are. The house makes me anxious to have a house of my own. I told Marnie the other day how excited I would be to decorate a house. I think she was strangely warmed by the thought.

We've also been having lots of baby talk around here. A couple of weekends ago we were surrounded by babies. I'm not freaked by the idea of having kids like I used to be. It just feels like its that time. Everyone tells me I'm never actually going to be ready for parenthood, so why get all bent out of shape about it.

I feel like I had other stuff to write about...hmmm...oh well, it's gone. I'm gonna go back to enjoying my week of rest. More later.

the week in review

2006-05-12T13:18:00.000-07:00

This turned out to not be a very good week. We've had all kinds of car issues. Our transmission was starting to go a couple of weeks ago. On Monday, as Marnie was leaving for work, she discovered that the car would not go into gear. Before it was only not going into second. Now it wasn't going into any gear. So we had to get a new clutch and a new transmission. That was well over two grand. For those of you that don't know, neither Marnie or I is independently wealthy. In fact, we're not dependently wealthy. Two grand (plus) hurts. Today Marnie went to the car and discovered that our windshield had been cracked. (Sigh) Oh, I also spent $40 this week filling the gas tank. I can't wait until we get to a point where we're not so dependent on cars. If that ever happens.

Marnie's had some rough stuff going on at her school. Kids start to check out when the weather gets nice. Plus the kids that Marnie works with just have issue to begin with or else they wouldn't be the kids Marnie works with. It doesn't help that school administrators and teachers are so interested in "educating" that they don't care about kids as human beings. It's been draining on her.

I spent most of this week working on a paper for environmental ethics. I worked collaboratively on it with one of my friends in the class. That complicated things. Both of us are aware that I'm a much better writer than he is. In some ways it may have been easier to write the paper alone, however, I'm glad I didn't. The paper turned out very well and our presentation of it today was alot more fun because we did it together. The extra work that may have been created was worth it.

And then there was the insomnia. I don't sleep well when I have stress. This semester has actually been a fairly good one for me sleepwise, but this week was rough. Wednesday night/Thursday morning I woke up at 2am. Despite two failed attempts, I couldn't get back to sleep. So Iwas practically awake yesterday from 2 am to 11 pm.

A friend of mine (who I have blogged about before) had a demon he thought he had exorcised return last night. I really don't know how to be a better friend to him.

We had a brown out that made me miss Scrubs and nearly blew up our tv.

...

Counter point:

This was actually a pretty good week. Marnie and I have had some car issues, but fortunately we've had the means to take care of them. Despite lots of stress and little sleep, I managed to finish what I think was a damn good paper and I did a fairly kickass presentation with one of my best friends.

I ordered very pretty flowers for my mom for Mother's day. Since I've moved out here, my mom has gotten used to getting very pretty and exotic looking flowers from Marnie and I. We're getting a reputation.

Mark Yaconelli is speaking on youth spirituality this evening. I think that may be an interesting discussion and may help Marnie with some ideas on some of the challenges she's had in the school lately. Even if it doesn't it will be fun to be around Mark Yaconelli. I really appreciated his father's ministry. He is greatly missed by many.

The Red Hot Chili Peppers released a new album this week. I've heard alittle of it and I love what I've heard so far. They are without a doubt one of my all time favorite bands. Flea rules!

I got through being awake for 21 hours without doing or saying anything that was incredibly ridiculous!

I'm blessed to have friends that share their challenges with me.

The brown out built a little community on my floor. That was surprising and fun!

I didn't miss the season finale of Scrubs (its next week), our tv is fine, I did get to see most of the season finale of Gilmore Girls (which sucked!), and all of the season finales of The Office, and My Name is Earl (those two were descent).

One more week and I'll be done with my fourth semester of seminary! And only one year to go!
...

I've lived most of this week with the counter point perspective on things. I praise God for that.

Snakes on a Plane!!!!!

2006-05-05T08:28:00.000-07:00

I can't believe this ridiculous looking movie is getting so much hype. It was originally titled something like "Pacific 121". Perhaps to keep it from being confused with more serious fare like "United 93", they changed the name to "Snakes on a Plane". The title was, allegedly, the selling point for Samuel L. Jackson. That makes me lose a little respect for him. Apparently after all the buzz started, the producers started doing additional shooting to make the film longer and to get an "R" rating. It is rumored that we will now be graced with the epic line from Mr. Jackson, "Get these muthafuckin' snakes off my muthafuckin' plane!"

Alas, poor cinema, I knew you well...

Becoming the "L" word...

2006-05-04T21:55:00.000-07:00

No, not a lesbian...though that would certainly make a more interesting post. The L word that I'm thinking of is "liberal". I've been fighting my slow transformation into one since I got here, but I'm starting to realize that I'm fighting a losing battle. Its sad that liberal has become such a bad word in our culture. Its sad that I feel that I need to apologize for becoming more liberal, even though by local standards I'm probably still a moderate (maybe even a little conservative).

The thing is I can't fight what I'm being exposed to here because for the most part I agree with it. If nothing else I have become a better thinker here at SFTS. I think more critically about the world around me. I think more critically about the church and about the Bible. All of this has left me with a full picture of God, not a smaller one as I had feared. Jesus has gotten bigger for me, not smaller.

I've been thinking about this subject this week because of how much my thinking has changed on the issue of homosexuality. in alot of ways I have chosen to be an ally of my gay and lesbian brothers and sisters on campus, a decision that will follow me throughout my life. At least I hope it does. I've also thought about my growing liberalness in terms of my environmental ethics class. I had been fighting the idea of changing what I eat for environmental (and ethical) reasons. The sad thing is that everything I have been learning in that class was summed up in this months issue of Sojourners and all of a sudden it made a lot more sense.

Politically, I'm registered as an independent, though I've mostly voted democratic since I've been old enough to vote (the past five years). I've alwasy liked to think of myself as a moderate. I'm just not sure if the world can afford to have moderates in it these days. Any time you stand up for anything, you get a label. Though by the Bay Area's standards I might be a moderate, when I move home, I most certainly will be considered a liberal. Possibly a flaming liberal. I think that's a label I need to become more comfortable with. While part of me would love to stay middle of the road, I just don't think things get done that way.

So, I'm a liberal. If caring about the poor, the environment, living ethically, and having open theology means I'm a liberal than so be it. (sigh)

Time to go plug in my electric car...

the joys and the sorrows

2006-05-01T15:05:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the blog hiatus. It's not that I haven't had time to write or that I haven't had anything to write about. I, in fact, have no excuse. So there...

I had a reminder today that a big part of the Christian life, actually the best part in my humble opinion, is sharing that life with others. It is a privilege to share in joys and it is equally a privilege to share in sorrows. The past week it has been very easy for me to share my joy. God is obviously working through alot of the things that are going on around me. Our trip to Portland last week was an immense joy. The pastors I met were incredible people and several were recent SFTS grads, which gives me some hope. We've been blessed by their willingness to help us in any way they can, and they have gone above and beyond in showing us love. It has been awesome to watch God work in this circumstance. Within a month, they found someone who was willing to donate my entire stipend for the summer, someone else who was willing to pay for our flight, they have found me a car (an '89 celebrity, but its mine while it runs which should hopefully get me through to the end of seminary), they've found us a house to live in for free during the summer... it has been incredible! I'm so excited for this opportunity!

on the other end of the spectrum, there are some people in my life who are really struggling and it is equally a privilege to share in that. I found out this morning about some health issues that the seminary's professor of music has been wrestling with. I think the world of Dan and it hurts me to see him struggling. He was really emotional after chapel today. I was both heartbroken and honored to be in his presence in the midst of his trial.

I also found out that two very dear friends/colleagues from the Pittsburgh Project, lost their house to a fire this weekend. These two incredible people, who love God very passionately have suffered alot in the past three years. I hate to see them suffer and it does make me ask some serious theodicy questions. I can't help but wonder where God is in their suffering and I'm often unsatisfied with the answers I come up with. I'm left with the equally unsettling question of why it is we so quickly identify good things as coming from God and bad things as some mysterious force of chance or coincidence.

At any rate, I'm content to live with the fact there is alot I don't get and that the best I can do in any situation is to be a good friend, husband, brother, son, uncle, classmate, etc... to whomever I come in contact with and be thankful that I get to share my life with them and they with me. That's a hard enough challenge for now.

The search for community

2006-04-16T13:58:00.000-07:00

First off, Happy Resurrection Day, as my folks say! Now that lent is over, I guess I don't need to feel the pressure to blog every day. Of course, I did miss a few days, but somehow I still ended the season with 43 posts. Go figure. I'll probably be changing the format a bit. There were a couple of days where I was reaching to find something to write about just for the sake of writing. Now I'll probably only be blogging when something noteworthy happens. Hopefully, my life will remain somewhat interesting and I will find noteworthy things in life.

It's nice to leave church with good stuff rattling around in your brain and in your heart. I miss that feeling. It has been great to have it back the past couple of weeks. Today, the sermon was about community, a topic that kinda connects with something I wrote about the other day.

One of the things that attracted Marnie and I here was the fact that every one we talked to mentioned what a close community the SFTS body was. In hindsight, that's fairly comical. Sure we're all in close quarters and see each other all the time, especially the first year. But the relationships you form are very surfacey. There have only been a handful of places where I have really gotten to know people or where I feel that I am really known by people. That's a huge need for Marnie and I and we've really missed it.

I think we've been trying to build community with thing we've been doing on campus. Those attempts have been artifical at best. I'm not sure why nothing has taken off, but makes me feel drained and a little sad.

The other thing I realize now is that I had a great community in Pittsburgh. Two actually. One at the Pittsburgh Project. One at the Open Door. Those were places where I both strived to know people and to be known by them. It's a very basic need, but it is huge when that need is met.

Community is going to be an important mission for the next year. We can't survive here with our hearts and minds intact without it. Possibilities are arising. There are possibilities in the future to be apart of some pretty dynamic communities. My initial focus is always on what I can give to a community, but I think I also need to focus on and be grateful for those things I get from community.

the sun came out!!!

2006-04-13T22:06:00.000-07:00

It was so great to see the sun today! I missed it so. Seriously, I can't remember a longer stretch in my life of overcastedness. We got to show my in-laws San Anselmo and Sausalito on a gorgeous sunny day. It was fantastic!

Unfortunately, today wasn't all sunshine and lollipops. In fact, there were no lollipops. Plus I had to listen to my Gospels professor deny that there was ever a physical resurrection of Christ. That gets old. I know that plenty of scholars don't believe there was a physical resurrection, but this same professor also kind of insulted us if we do believe there was a physical resurrection. This particular professor is quickly losing favor with me; a fate worse than death. Even if I wanted to give intellectual assent to the idea of no resurrection, I would never preach it. I wouldn't dream of it! Should I? I can't even imagine intimating that there was no physical resurrection from a pulpit. And what if I do believe in the resurrection? Does that make me naive? Immature? Unscientific? Ignorant? Just in time for Easter...

I don't care, the sun came out today.

trying not to toot my own horn

2006-04-12T22:25:00.000-07:00

Is it weird to say that I was really moved by a worship service that I designed? Well, I was. It turned out really well. I was nervous. I did some risky things: no music, focusing on sin, the whole community hammering nails into a cross...I guess you can get away with things during lent. How come we aren't allowed to experiment more here throughout the year? It is interesting how awkward the idea of confessing your sins before the community is for people. I've tried it twice now in worship and people seem closed off to the idea. I guess confession is just something you do silently between yourself and God. Of course, I don't believe that. I think there is alot of value in being vulnerable before your community. Maybe the problem is, we don't have real community here. Hmmm...

The rain continues relentlessly...well, not actually at this moment. In fact it is supposed to stop raining until tomorrow evening. Yea, a whole 12 hour break. the rain does not amuse me.

I'm glad the Wednesday worship services are done now. Planning them was really exhausting for me. I learned a ton though. I hope the community keeps up some kind of evening worship. We shall see, but its no longer my problem. That's usually what I say right before something becomes my problem...

I'm going to Portland...

2006-04-11T22:04:00.000-07:00

Weird, huh? Yesterday I was writing about how great Pittsburgh was (and is!) and today I am writing about going to Portland. Any other cities folks would like me to write about? San Francisco, maybe?

Anyway, Marnie and I are going to visit Portland next week to meet with some pastors about a possible internship for the summer. The internship site is the Presbyterian Urban Network (PUN, for short...seriously, that's what they call themselves) it is actually a consortium of about a dozen small urban churches in the Portland area. Combined they have a membership of just over 200. They have realized that if they are going to survive they need to collaborate on programs and ideas. They don't actually have alot of programs up and running, so I would get to help design some.

I'm hoping to pair this internship with working with Mission Bay Community Church during next school year. Neither is a very traditional internship, and being a fairly untraditional guy, that suits me just fine. What I'm surprised with myself about is that I'm looking to work at two churches (well actually way more than two churches if you considered all the PUN congregations). For all my misgivings about the way church is done, I'm not sure I'm ready to give up on it (for non-profit work or acadamia, for instance) I think the church is still Christ's body working in the world, we just need to allow that body to grow, mature, and stretch. The organizations are flawed. The ministers are faulty. The congregations are jacked up. But the church (universal) needs to be recovered. Part of me wants to find a brand new paradigm, but that new paradigm would alienate just as many people as the old ones.

The church is still needed, now I need to see if the church needs me...

The Greatest Place on Earth !!!

2006-04-10T17:34:00.000-07:00

Here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the happiest place on earth! Well, maybe not the happiest, but certainly the greatest. This is Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. I partly put this on the blog to test out the new scanner, but also because this is the place I'm anxious to get back to. Marnie and I have been talking alot lately about being homesick. I think I have been so much longer than she has. What makes Pittsburgh so great (other than the 2005 NFL Champion Steelers) is the people. There is a very high quality of life in the city because of the people. There are great people in this city who have nurtured my faith and challenged me. I'm looking forward to raising my kids here.

palm sunday

2006-04-09T23:36:00.000-07:00

It's probably time to get a picture of my handsome mug on this blog. I'll start working on that.

Going to church happens so rarely for us anymore that when it does happen, it is an event. It looks like that is going to start to change for us. It couldn't have happened at a better time. Today it was a very positive event at that. It was good to play. Good to worship.

The sermon was good too. There are some issues going down at the church I attended and the pastor addressed them from the pulpit (as it were) with alot of transparence, humility, and grace. It was very well done. He also used a clip from 'Saved' which made it all the more awesome!

Palm Sunday: Jesus rides into town to people screaming for him like he's the Beatles. In five days they'll be screaming for his head. It's sad how quickly we identify with Jesus ("people in my life are so fickle" ) instead of identifying with the crowd.

teatro zinzanni

2006-04-08T22:12:00.000-07:00

Last night I went with a few friends to this place in San Fran called Teatro Zinzanni. It was basically dinner and a very extravagant show all rolled into one. It was pretty frickin' awesome. I was worried about getting my money's worth; no problem there. The band and dinner alone would have been worth the cost. Then when you add all these amazing gymnasts, acrobats, dnacers, and actors/comedians....it was pretty incredible. I honestly didn't expect to be that entertained. Very good stuff! If you are in downtown San Francisco, I'd highly recommend it.

I'm pretty excited about playing bass tomorrow. I'm nervous as well. Last time I was at Mission Bay, I thought the bass player was pretty good...better than me anyway. I'm excited to play, but it's hard not to compare myself to other bass players.

There is a commercial on for a kids diaper. the actors are probably between the ages of 5 and 10. They're gonna regret doing that some day.

Speaking of commercials, the one that the UCC is running just came on as well. Its not incredibly well done, but it makes a good point. Some "undesireables" (gays, unwed mothers, etc...) are sitting in a church and being ejected from the church. The point is that on't happen in the UCC. It's sad that they had to make that commercial, but I'm glad they did. I hope its a messgae the church latches on to.

sacrament snacks

2006-04-06T22:47:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we had left over bread from doing communion at the evening service. Marnie put it in a plastic bag and labelled it "body". I snacked on some of it this afternoon. Surreal.

After today, I feel like someone should be placing a championship belt around my waist. (I would settle for the intercontinental championship) It was a rough week with alot to do, but I feel like everything got done and got done well. I don't always feel like that so its nice when it happens. The sermons and papers are done for now so tomorrow night, I party. Some friends are going to this weird theatre in San Francisco. It better be fun. We're spending way too much on it.

I'm a little worried about one of my friends here. He seems to constantly wallow in self pity and lately it seems like he is getting more and more sensitive. It makes him hard to talk to. Tonight he kinda stormed out of the coffee shop after someone poked a little fun at him. Nothing mean spirited. I need to figure out how to be a better friend to him without enabling the self loathing. It's amazing how well I can do at the test that don't matter and totally screw up the ones that do.

That doesn't mean I'm giving up my belt. I stilled rocked most of the day!

random randomness

2006-04-05T22:43:00.000-07:00

I actually have alot to write about tonight, but I'm tired and I dn't want to. I have to get up early tomorrow and finish my stupid preaching paper (and my stupid preaching sermon).

I had a movie idea today. I won't share it just yet, but I was so happy! It's the first time in a long time that I've had an idea for a movie I'd like to make. I used to keep a little notebook full of film ideas. i don't know what happened to it.

I bought an amp for my bass today. I actually have a place to play the next couple of Sundays. That's fun for me. I guess now that I'm investing in this thing I need to start practicing.

I got cornered today after chapel by Phil Butin, the seminary's president and the reason I'm here and Charles Marks, the seminary's chaplain and the reason I've stayed. They don't want me to do an MA. They said it over and over and over again. Little did they know (before i told them) that I have come upon some good internship opportunities and probably won't be switching to the MA program. Still, being cornered like that makes me want to switch out of defiance.

Tonight's service went well. They're alot of work to put together and they're still not a style I necessarily like. Oh well, people are worshipping God, that's all I care about.

Oh, did anyone else see the article about the scientist who is trying to prove that Jesus walked on ice, not water? Hi-larious! Frankly, I want don't want to worship a guy who walks on ice. The only guys I can think of who spend alot of time on ice are hockey players and ice skaters and neither of those groups are worthy of adoration. At least not from me. On the otherhand, think of the evangelistic outreach possibilitie this story could open. "Mommy, let's go see Jesus on Ice!" (like History of the World Part One, only with Jesus instead of Hitler....I'm going to hell)

Well, goodnight everybody.

wine n'at

2006-04-04T22:29:00.000-07:00

So today I got one of the coolest packages that one can receive in the mail. About a month or so ago Marnie and I went to wine country. We visited this place that did a wine tasting where they paired the wines with foods. The food was amazing and the wine was pretty good as well. It was also pretty cool because the family that owns the winery is originally from Pittsburgh.

Anyway, maybe it was the wine, but Marnie and I decided to join this family's wine club. Today w got six, count 'em, six bottles of wine through UPS! How awesome is that?! We'll get another six in the fall.

Tonight was a good night. I decided to take the evening off from the copious amounts of work I have to do so that I could crash on the couch with my amazing wife and veg in front of the tv. Two of my favorite shows come on Tuesday night. Don't judge me, but one of them is Gilmore Girls. Its a very well written show and Lauren Graham is hot. The other is Scrubs, one of the few shows that I can actually say I started watching before it became cool. There was a new show on called Teachers tonight. It blows. It wasn't funny at all. In fact we were pretty sure they stole a joke at the beginning of the show from Gilmore Girls, only Gilmore Girls did it better. On the upside, it did have Kenny (Bud) from the Cosby Show on it. That, of course, didn't make the show any better.

The rain has started up again. Someone should have told me how close we were to Seattle when I moved out here. This must be there doing. Doesn't matter, the Seahawks still lost.

I obviously have nothing else to talk about...

rebel against intellectual arrogance...

2006-04-03T20:36:00.000-07:00

Today one of my favorite profs did one of my least favorite things. He read one of my peer's papers as an example, more or less, of what not to do. I hate that! I think that is humiliating and completely unpedagogical (if that's a word). What did I learn from him doing that, other than that seemingly cool old guys are capable of being huge dicks! It really really ticked me off!

I get really upset sometimes with some of the arrogance that comes across some the profs here. At some point their opinions became above reproach. That must have been great for them when that happened. Sometimes just looking at the assignments, the amount of reading that is expected, the tone of lectures...all of it just reeks of hubris...

...(sigh) as does writing a blog full of your opinions. That's what worries me. I see the same hubris in me sometimes. More often than I'd like to admit. I've fooled some people into thinking that I'm a pretty humble guy. Let me set the record straight, I'm not. If only you knew how highly I think of myself. Sure, there are things thatI'm not good at. I can't play bass like Flea (I'm listening to the Chili Peppers) i can't sing like...anyone. I'm probably pass my athletic prime (though Marnie and I have been getting back into shape). Point is, though I am aware of things I can't do, I'm also very aware of the things I'm good at. Sometimes that simple acknowledgement of skill can be the beginning of going down the slippery slope towards arrogance.

My goal is balance. Balance between acknowledging God-given skills and gifts (emphasis on God-given) and having the attitude that was in Christ (Phil. 2). That's a tough one. It must be especially tough for professor types. Still, that doesn't excuse calling out a student in front of a class.

Well, that's all my musing for today. I have to go finish some hubris-inspired assignments. Of course, being the amazing student that I am...

Damn it, did it again!

can I get a do-over?

2006-04-02T19:38:00.000-07:00

I would like another chance to have spring break. Is that okay? Maybe a week with less rain. About 72 degrees? Oh, and could Marnie also have the week off? That would be great!

I'm not looking forward to this upcoming week. It's just very busy. I have a paper due tomorrow for gospels. That's mostly done, but I pretty much plagarized my OT exegesis paper. (isn't it great that Jesus quotes the OT!) I have a sermon and a fifteen page preaching paper due on Thursday (how do you write a paper about preaching? why are we the lucky first class to get this horid assignment?). I have to plan the next two wednesday evening services. And if that weren't enough I have tons of bitching and moaning left to do!

Okay, it really isn't that bad. I just had all of these things hanging over my head all week so it wasn't very restful. I'm very apathetic for it only being midterm. And for me only being a middler. I can't believe I have to do another year of MDiv school. I can't believe I'm thinking about doing more school! What is wrong with me?!

Tomorrow, I will begin the second half of the fourth semester of seminary. Weird. I thought I was gonna learn stuff here...

More than enough room?

2006-04-01T23:23:00.000-08:00

The big issue being discussed in politics this week was immigration. I don't have a ton of opinions on this subject other than that it is hypocrisy to close our borders when immigration is what this country was built on and diversity supposedly what makes this country great. The big issue to me is that we're not investing in Mexico. If we did that, Mexicans wouldn't need to come here to find opportunities. That's a very narrow view, as my wife pointed out to me, but that would be a start. Certainly with the families that have been seperated already, just investing in our neighbors to the south isn't a cure all. I know in post 9/11 America it is nonsense to say that we don't need tight security at the borders. That's probably not realistic. But we should do things that make it easier for people to work here and maybe even for them to become citizens. Personally, I also think the rest of us should make more efforts to learn spanish. Like I said, I haven't read alot or even thought much about this issue. I've certainly thought more about it since being in California. Still, if you want an argument against immigration, look no farther than California's governor. Nope, I take everything back. Close the borders, seal them tight!

short book review

2006-03-31T16:30:00.000-08:00

So oddly enough, this former film student achieved his book reading goals for the week and not his film watching goals. I'm getting soft.

Anyway, The Church Enslaved is an excellent book. While I don't think it has all the answers for dealing with race issues in the church, I do think it offers some unique perspectives. What is interesting is the final few chapters' focus on spirituality. It discusses contemplative prayer as a means of being able to see the image of Christ on those around you, black or white. They also get into alot of African spirituality. I won't go too deep into it here, but they identify the primary sin of the western church as individuality. In african spirituality (which has carried over into african theology) salvation is corporate. The goal of spirituality is to find yourself in the midst of and in the context of community. None of this "my personal savior" jargon that we throw around. I found that interesting. In theology we discussed salvation being corporate only briefly, but this might be a good move for the church to start making- towards corporate concepts of salvation.

Another concept from African theology that they discussed, and this connets with the contemplative prayer, is the idea of sacramentality. In short, instead of just seeing bread, wine, and water, as visible signs of invisible grace, sacramentality is seeing people, plants, rocks, the whole created order as visible signs of grace. Again this speaks to the interconnectedness of living things. Contemplative prayer is a means through which we are able to see the image of God in others.

The book ends with what feels like a plug for mission year. It is a mission organization that gives participants an immersion experience in an urban setting. The usually white participants go into a neighborhood where they are the minority. The work and serve and offer prayer with and for their new neighbors. They get hooked up with churches and support the leadership in the neighborhood without taking any leadership themselves. It's a great ministry (I know several people who have done it) and it offers a possible ew paradigm for thinking about interracial interactions and leadership dynamics.

I hardly scratched the surface here, but it is a quick read and definitely worth your time. Plus if more people read it then we can discuss it together...

here's a weird piece of info...

2006-03-31T16:21:00.000-08:00

I just read on NFL.com that the Howard "Red" Hickey passed away this week. Mr. Hickey was the inventor of the shotgun formation. For the unintiated, this is where the Quarterback stands several yards behind the ceter (and subsequently several yards behind the line of scrimmage) and the ball is snapped to him like a punt. In theory this gives the passer more time to find an open receiver before he gets pummeled. He called it the shotgun formation because it shot wide receivers out into the open field as if they were being fired from a shotgun. (a question I was just pondering the other day while playing Madden '06). If it were not for Mr. Hickey, the lives of all of us football fans would be minutely different. That is one minute difference I do not want. Godspeed, Red.

SB day #3 - more rain...

2006-03-29T17:42:00.000-08:00

I've pretty much given up on spring break '06.

Anyway, jst a brief post for now anyway. So the book I began to talk about yesterday by Michael Battle and Tony Campolo is called The Church Enslaved: Spirituality for Racial Reconciliation. "Spirituality" is the word I couldn't remember. I'm flying through it and depending on my plans for the evening, I should finish it tonight. The author's make a pretty interesting statement about what is required for churches to become integrated. Their solution is that white churches send members for their churches to become members of black churches. I found this solution surprising and intriguing. I would love to hear what people think about this. I think there would be a great strength to white people submitting to black spiritual leadership, but I also recognize that there is plenty of room for bitterness and resentment to pop up in this scenario. What would be gained by this migration? What would be lost? Is this idea way to farfetched?

Pondering...

SB day #2 - please stop me, I'm having too much fun!

2006-03-28T18:28:00.000-08:00

Within the last couple of hours the sun has decided to grace us with its presence. Big whoop, it's still cold. This is why people go to Cancun! Well, and I suppose for the illicit drinking and sex...but the weather certainly makes all that other stuff easier.

I should have clarified whe I made my spring break goals that the two books I hoped to finished had already been started awhile ago. I finished one yesterday. It was Stories of Emergence- a good book, but something occurred to me...most of the stories come from people who were in very evangelical or completely areligious backgrounds. I happen to know that mainline people are emerging as well. I would have liked more of their stories. The second book I'm reading- The Church Enslaved: ...something about racial reconciliation (by Tony Campolo and Michael Battle)- mentions that alot of the roots of today's modern religious racism is in the very evangelical churches that have been co-opted into very conservative ideologies while the mainline churches have traditionally been more left leaning. Is there a connection there? Are emergents just becoming liberal? That's probably too simplistic of an explanation. Especially since I do know of emergin mainliners and I guess I am one myself. Still, I'm learning more and more how social problems, especially those related to the church, are interconnected. It makes sense that those who would be exclusionary in social matters would also be exclusionary in theological matters.

I got a little hungry mid-blog. Apples are good with ranch dressing. But then again, what isn't?

I found out today that my incommunicato CPM liason recently dissolved his relationship with his church. Should I be worried about this guy?

I hope the fact that I am so stream of consciousness doesn't bother anyone who reads this (all three of you!). The fact of the matter is I'm not writing a paper and I don't need to be all that coherent here. I more or less just write what's on the top of my head until I get tired then I quit.

I'm tired...

SB day #1 - sad blog day

2006-03-27T18:59:00.000-08:00

Today is sad blog day. John in Pittsburgh blogged about his friends' miscarriage, Kat blogged about not passing all of the ords, there are more posts out there on the article in the NY Times on the state of black men...

It is rainy and windy in San Anselmo. I think I have seasonal affect disorder (SAD). That's the scientific (psychological?) term for when the weather affects your mood. Honestly, I haven't had a bad day. I just feel down because of the weather and alot of my friends (beyond the ones I mentioned) are having life stress.

Our culture teaches us to do whatever we can to not feel sad. I think we need it. I think we need to feel sad. We need to be down on occassion. We fight against our mind and spirit's completely normal reactions to distressing news. I think of some of the biblical expressions of grief: ripping clothes, sackcloth and ashes, all that jazz. People knew how to be sad back then. They knew when it was appropriate.

I have alot of angry music on my itunes. Alot! Some of it would surprise people if they caught me listening to it, but I love it! Sometimes I want to emmerse myself in people expressing genuine rage and angst. I want to hear people who are disappointed with what life has handed them. I'm not a huge fan of blues, but I get it. That's one of the great things about the arts. We can express our "negative" emotions in creative ways.

Sometimes life sucks. We shouldn't have to pretend that it doesn't. Bitch! Moan! Complain! Whine! Scream your favorite obscenity at the top of your lungs! Curse God and your neighbor! Be anti-social!

... and then rebound.

Spring Break...Wooo Hooo!

2006-03-26T22:31:00.000-08:00

So beginning tomorrow I will officially be on spring break...yea.

Though I appreciate the time out of class, I have two papers and a sermon to write in that time. Not to mention all the random odds and ends I need to take care of.

Still, I'm looking forward to some time to read (for fun) and watch some of the netflix I've had sitting arounfd for awhile. I need a recharge. Odds are I'll spend most of the week watching tv and playing video games. Which is okay, but not necessarily what I need.

I hate that my wife and I don't have the same spring break. She'll be off for a week in mid-april. I wish we could go away for a week. Go to the beach. Get room service. It's not as fun to have time off by yourself. Oh well...

My goal for the week is to finish two books and to watch four movies. One of those goals is realistic. Unfortunately they both become less realistic when paired with each other. I'd also like to take some time to practice my bass this week. Can't do it all.

I'm sleepy....

Grace... and nothing else

2006-03-25T08:28:00.000-08:00

Can you be a responsible preacher, preaching nothing but grace? This was a question that I briefly debated last evening. Personally, I believe you can. You can talk about sin until you are blue in the face, and many mininsters do, but you always come back to grace...wait, let me personalize that, I will always come back to grace.

I preached from Genesis 4 in my last preaching class. It is the story of Cain and Abel. The theme of my sermon was the difference between what we offer God and what God offers us. Cain, both in his offering and his murder, offered God death. God, in His mercy, offered Cain life.

Grace is, I believe, the theme of the Bible. It has to be when everyone involved in it is a sinner. I thin people have an inherent knowledge of sin. They don't need it preached to them. I'm not saying it shouldn't come up. It should and sometime even in confrontational ways. But if anyone leaves your sermon thinking of their primary identity as "sinner" as opposed to "the one redeemed by Christ" then something went wrong.

The church has been a place of ungrace for far too long. It is time to start erring on the side of grace.

(BTW - this post was also motivated by the fact that I didn't write a post on the 24th and I'm hoping there is grace out there for me!)

pros and cons

2006-03-23T22:10:00.000-08:00

Okay, I'm getting to a point where I have to make some decisions. That is, of course, not much fun for me. I'm planning on using next week (spring break whoo hoo!) as time to do some serious discernment.

So what's this all about? Well, I got a letter yesterday saying that I'm excepted into the Graduate Theological Union's (GTU's) Master of the Arts program in Christian Ethics (pending on my taking the GRE and doing okay on it). So now I have to decide; finish out the MDiv program at SFTS or transfer some credits (stay on SFTS' campus) and do an MA in Christian Ethics and Social theory. In a couple of my previous posts, I have talked about my dis-ease with the ordination process and questioning whether I want to be involved in a church. Furthermore, I'm not a fan of Presbyterian Polity. I see its merits. I just feel that if an organization has that many rules it has gotten too big to be effective.

I balance that with a serious desire to preach and teach. This semester I have a preaching class and it is undeniable that I have skills in that area. (Sorry if that came off as cocky) I also have some leadership gifts. I'm pretty good at rallying people around ideas or causes. I always have been. The other side of the skills and gifts coin is that I know I have academic skills. I love to write putting papers together is fun for me. (weird, huh?) My fear is being stuck in academia forever and losing touch with the real world. i know some intellectuals like that. They disturb me.

So do I need to keep going down this either/or route? Part of me says "yes". Right now, I want my life to have a focus, even if it is a temporary focus. I really don't want to be ordained, so I don't know what an MDiv would do for me without the ordination. I don't know...

Keep me in your prayers this week. Ultimately, I want to do whatever is going to bring God the most glory. I want that to stay as my focus.

Studying for the Bar Exam

2006-03-22T15:45:00.000-08:00

This is an excerpt from "Shocking, Unexpected Grace" a chapter in the book Stories of Emergence: Moving from Absolute to Authentic. It was written by Jay Bakker, the son of televangelist James Bakker (and Tammy Faye Bakker). He's got a great story, but I wanted to share this part because, for reasons you'll soon recognize, it resonates with me:

If you want to deal with people on a real level, go to a bar.

Every Monday night I go to an English pub. I've gotten to know the people there. They've become my close friends, and I've earned their trust. It took time for them, but in some way, I've impacted their lives...

I've learned not to worry about what other Christians say about me. If no Christian would receive me ever again, I would still go to bars, to those areas where I can get to know people who need grace. I'd do it even if I didn't have ministry credentials.

My pub friends see Christians handing out tracts on the street all the time. They see it as incredibly eerie; it makes them uncomfortable. They say to me, "They're telling us we're sinners and going to hell. See? That's why I'd never be a Christian".

That kind of evangelism makes the Christian feel better, not the people they pray for. To me it's a cop-out. Scripture says God won't raise his voice in the streets or snuff out the smallest hopes. (Isaiah 42:2-3)

The church has to get back to being more practical and offering the radical message of grace. It's not always easy to live by grace. I've come a long way from not knowing grace existed to finally seeing the light, but I'm far from where I need to be. Grace isn't alwasy popular in churches that are uncomfortable with people who don't fit into its molds. People who live in grace may not look like us.

Grace is the whole reason Jesus died! Grace is the ultimate freedom. We can't give our lives to teaching anything less.

Amen!

christology 101 (or not)

2006-03-21T22:05:00.000-08:00

A couple of friends here entered an essay contest where they were writing about their conceptions of who Jesus was/is. Today they presented their papers in a room full of professors, the seminary president, the dean, and ... well, me. It was a pretty fascinating experience, watching all of these highly educated professors grill fellow students on their views of Jesus' identity. The one paper was on Jesus as a respresentation of motherly love, the other was a very philosophical analysis of Jesus' primary role as a reconciler. Both presentations were very good and thought provoking.

Answering the question "who is Jesus?" is at the heart of what Christians wrestle with. What does it mean to fully human and fully divine? What does it mean to be God's son? The Son of Man? The Messiah? All of the things we say about Christ are hollow unless we put some kind of meaning into them. I like the image of Christ as reconciler and I have also really grown to love the image of Christ loving as only a mother can love, but for me, Jesus' primary identity is that of "Rabbi" - teacher. We often ignore that Jesus was giving us a "how to" for living our lives and that "how to" included ideas of self-sacrificial love. It was also a rejection of oppressive world structures. Even in his death and resurrection Jesus was teaching us. Jesus was teaching us the nature of God. Jesus was teaching what it meant to be human. Jesus was teaching what it meant for the divine and humanity to be in relationship.

Maybe as someone who is selling out to the idea of being an academic, thinking of Christ as the ultimate teacher just appeals to me at this time of my life. But that's where Jesus' life, death, resurrection, and ministry have the most meaning for me right now. I'm interested to hear what others think...

a little more musin'

2006-03-20T20:28:00.000-08:00

Postmodern Negro (http://postmodernnegro.wordpress.com) has a post up about the plight of African American males in this country. The full article is on New York Times' website. The statistics are overall ery unsettling, but there is one fact that sticks out in my mind. The author mentions that back in the day, African Americans lived in one community despite socio-economic status. Certainly some of that had to do with community segregation, but it also had to do with community period. Now middle class and upper middle class african americans can move to the suburbs when given the opportunity. People like, you know, my parents moved to the suburbs to give their kids (I.e. - me) a leg up in education and the like. So what will I do when Its time to decide where to nest? I'm, of course, making the slightly baseless assumption that Marnie and I will be middle class...

Anywho, I talk alot about working across racial and cultural boundaries. But what about building communities across socioeconomic lines? That's kind of an unnatural question that I've only begun to ruminate on, less known any "musing". If you live in an economically unequal society, you will either create envy and jealousy among those who have less, the richer will somehow "oppress" the poorer, or (the more likely situation knowing my wife and I) the person with the greater amount of resources will pressed upon and have to continually give of themselves. That sounds to me like what Christ would do. It also sounds ridiculously hard.

In gospels we were talking about the passage in Matthew 18 about the kingdom of heaven really being a lesson in church ethics. The greek suggests that the "little ones" doesn't necessarily have to be children, but it could also be the "little ones" in your community; the weaker, the poorer, the more gullable, the more naive, etc... It assumes that you will have those among you. Not just in your isolated worship fortress, but in the community where you actually live. That puts responsibility on those of you (us) that have advantages in this world to give back to our communities, even when its inconvenient.

Jesus never lets us off the hook, does he?

"musings" on the war

2006-03-19T19:02:00.000-08:00

On almost all the other blogs I read, the word "musings" is used to describe what the author is doing in their blog. I don't personally think that I muse very much. I have tried at times to get my muse on, but it always seems artificial...

Anyway, this weekend marks the third anniversary of the war in Iraq. I remember having a beer in Applebee's with my friend Nate and watching "Shock and Awe" happen. At the time, I hadn't fully formed by opinions on the war or on our President (other than having not voted for him), but I was certain that the war would be brief like the first Iraq war I had lived through.

Fast forward to today. I have definite feelings about the war and the president. In neither case are the feelings positive. The war was ill-advised. It has diverted resources from domestic programs that desperately need up keep, it has ruined the US's image internationally, it has cost the lives of thousands of US troops and countless Iraqis. All of this while asking very little from the rich of this country. No, instead they get tax breaks. Tax breaks! During a war! AHHH!!!!

This weekend has been full of anti-war protests. I wonder if the President cares about how much he has polarized the country. I wonder if he cares that he has given the Christian faith another black eye.

Oh, and speaking of giving Christianity a black eye, Fred Phelps was organizing a protest at a killed soldiers funeral. He claims that the deaths from the Iraq war are God's punishment for the country's stance on homosexuality. In case you are not familiar with Mr. Phelps, he is the sick fuck who protested outside of Mr. Rogers' funeral saying that Mr. Rogers was in hell for not condemning gay people. AHHH!!!

My Bonhoeffer devotional had a section in it about praying for your enemies the other day. He said that those prayers do for your enemy what they cannot do for themselves. I suppose that's true. It's a way of showing solidarity with fellow creations of God. When I think about my enemy, I don't think about Iraqis. Or "the terrorists". I think about people like Fred Phelps. Sometimes I think about people like W. Its hard to pray for them. They misrepresent our faith at every turn. Jesus made a point of not condemning people. Phelps makes a point of condemning people. Jesus established an ethic of nonretaliation. Bush lives by an ethic of an eye for an eye. These are the people that God wants me to have solidarity with. These are the ones I need to pray for.

God, give me the strength to pray for my enemies!

Missing Ted...

2006-03-18T18:46:00.000-08:00

No, Ted is not a person. Well, yes , Ted is a person. But it is not actually Ted I miss. No, it is Ted's. Ted's was a bar in San Anselmo where my friends and I spent many a Friday night. It closed around the first of the year, right after "the flood". Ironically, I don't think Ted's took any damage from the flood, so I guess it was just a coincidence.

Since Ted's closed, we do more hanging out at people's apartments, we spend less on alcohol, and we probably have a better time. For whatever reason, though, I've started to miss it. It was "our" place. Many of my fondest memories (and a couple of things I can't remember) are from Ted's. It was nice having a relatively okay bar within walking distance. Now if we go to a bar, it feels like we're "going out". I don't like going out!

I didn't mean to have this post be all alcohol related, but there is something else I miss that has to do with alcohol: namely "beer and theology". B&T was my theology professor's way of luring us to the student lounge to talk about the things we were reading and studying in his systematic theology classes. We had it for two semesters. I'm not sure why beer enhances theological discussions, but it does. Perhaps its just the honesty that comes out. It was good to hear someone say in the midst of the session that there was a long held, time-honored church doctrine that they just couldn't swallow. It was honest. We wrestled with the Niebuhrs and Tillich and Gutierrez, and Calvin... it was fun.

I have joked alot with people about opening a bar. It's really only half a joke. Maybe not even half. I'd like to own a place where that kind of conversation could be held on a regular basis over a good brew. (responsibly, of course!) Someday, I hope...

requiem for a post

2006-03-17T21:10:00.000-08:00

Alas, a post I had on here twice is now gone altogether. For some reason it had posted twice and then when I tried to delete one of the posts it wouldn't go, then I deleted again and lost both. So sad...

I am, however, going to attribute the loss of yesterday's post to an act f God as it wasn't the best thought out post. I will blog again on the same subject soon.

As for today, I had a neat experience that I wanted to write about. One of the recent joys I have had here is proofreading papers for Korean students. (SFTS, if you didn't know has a sizeable Korean population). I proofread a paper tonight then had a brief chat with the paper's writer. She asked me how I was enjoying school, and for some reason I was very honest with her and said "I am ready to be done". We both talked about issues that we have with the school and we realized that they were many of the same issues. As she explained to me, the Presbyterian Church in Korea that attended has 50,000 members (does the PC(USA) have 50,000 members total? - just kidding) She said it was more theologically conservative and that there was alot of emphasis on the Holy Spirit. She feels that her current seminary experience isn't really teaching her how to do ministry in a church and that many of the things she is learning she can't preach to a congregation.

It was then that realized the truth: I am Korean.

Okay, maybe not. But it isn't it interesting that non-white students don't feel comfortable at a liberal, traditional Presbyterian seminary? Anyway, we had a nice conversation and realized we had alot in common. That's always fun. I also very much enjoy reading her writing. Some of the nuts and bolts of english writing haven't been mastered yet, but her writing has depth and soul.

I wrote my final paper for church hustory II on the similarities between the development of the african american church and the Korean church. It's amazing how the marginalized communicate their faith in similar ways.

Maybe I'm more Korean than I think...

some thoughts on fasting

2006-03-15T22:03:00.000-08:00

After today, I have gone through two different one day fasts for the lenten season. I just wanted to write a couple of thoughts about the experience.

My parents' church emphasizes fasting alot. therefore, I've had alot of experience doing it. When I used to fast, I focused on what God would do for me (either in physical situations or in my spirit) because I was fasting. As I got older, fasting was something I started to do to help me make big decisions. Fasting seems different now. When I fast now, I have a hard time not thinking about people for whom hunger is a perpetual problem. I know that I am fasting out of choice and usually surrounded by lets of easily accessible food. There is some guilt for me now when I fast. I hate that feeling.

Some time ago, someone said to me that when you fast your body feels what your spirit feels when it is not being nourished. My spirit must feel awful! It might be ready to pass out. We had a chapel service this evening and all I could think about was how much I miss God. Imagine if I were to spend a year and a half talking about how important my wife was to me; I write well thought out papers about her, I analyze the historical and social circumstances that existed when she said certain things, I develop deep philosophies about her nature, yet I don't spend time with her. Partially because all of my study of her has made me see her in a new light and I don't know how to deal with her on these new terms. (That was all an analogy by the way. Marnie and I are fine!) My point is that is where I am with God right now. Maybe that's what fasting brought out for me today.

I miss God and I don't know how to reconnect. My spirit is starving and I'm not sure how to feed it.

Ph. D. Post

2006-03-14T22:03:00.000-08:00

I don't feel great right now. I'm ridiculously busy and that does not include my actual coursework. I'm helping plan Wednesday evening services for lent (and possibly beyond), I'm coordinating a race discussion group which met tonight, I'm trying to figure out my future: whether to stay in an MDiv program or switch to an MA...oh, and then there's school.

I promised in an earlier post that I would write about my doing a Ph.D. program. Well, long story short (cause I'm tired) one of my professor's said that he believed I could do well in a doctoral program. He hesitated to do that because, knowing the need for good pastors (his words, not mine), he wasn't sure he wanted to lead me away from an M.Div and ordination. I guess with my hangups about ordination, it has lead to a perfect storm of reconsidering my academic and professional future. The switch to an MA is part of that reconsideration. (BTW, the aforementioned prof. wrote a recommendation for the MA program that nearly made me blush. I was flattered and humbled)

Anyway, I don't want to ignore a call to ministry. I know God led me out here and I know I have pastoral gifts. I've also come to recognize that I have academic gifts as well. There is something exciting about the idea of teaching and writing in an academic setting. I just don't want to get detatched from reality and "real" ministry. ( I know that distinction is arbitrary). I just want to be where God can use me most. Is that so much to ask?

A Bonhoeffer Paradox

2006-03-13T15:52:00.000-08:00

One of the problems of reading Bonhoeffer's work in a devotional is that I get small snippets taken out of context everyday. Somedays I have to wrestle with a concept for a day only to find that the thing I was wrestling with is addressed the next. The paradox I deal with today goes beyond the reading, it goes into Bonhoeffer's actual life. The past couple of days I have been reading about the defeat of evil coming through its endurance and not through its opposition. This is a hard enough concept to deal with. For most of us, especially the social justice-minded of us, the opposition of evil is oftentimes a natural preoccupation, sometimes it is even seen as an imperative. In today's reading, from A Testament to Freedom, he talks about how not resistng evil is not condoning its right to exist. Okay, but it is hard to see how it is not.

But here's the real problem; the problem we all face as people who rarely practice what we preach. Bonhoeffer lent his talent and energy to the opposition of what many consider the greatest evil to walk the earth, embodied in the form of Adolf Hitler. It has been documented that Bonhoeffer lived the remainder of his life with guilt over his part in conspiracies to assassinate Hitler (which, of course, ultimately failed). Was what Bonhoeffer did right? Is this a matter of 'do as I say, not as I do'?

Here's the thing: given the options, Bonhoeffer felt like he had no choice but to defy one of his deepest convictions. Isn't that scary?! Unsettling?! Most of us live our lives with deep principles that we would put down on paper, but when the rubber meets the road, many of our choices involve choosing the lesser of two evils. That's how I've voted in the last two presidential elections! In theory, I agree with Dietrich. Opposition of evil just breeds more evil. instead we are to overcome evil with Good. Still, there are some evils that I bet we will never stop opposing, for better or for worse.

A night of Bach

2006-03-12T10:07:00.000-08:00

My OT professor from last year is in the San Francisco Bach Choir. Marnie and I went to hear them last night. It was really amazing.

I realized that I had made a glaring omission on my profile. I love Bach and he is probably one of my favorite musicians, if not my favorite. I played string bass in my high school orchestra. Through most of high school it was just a relatively easy class that made me "well rounded", but my last year we started playing alot of baroque music especially Bach. I really enjoyed it and it made me start taking music and its role in my life more seriously.

Last night was a great reminder of the power of music. Though the majority of the program was in German (possibly the best use of German ever!), a tone of worship still comes through the music. Bach's autograph on all of his pieces was "to the glory of God". He wrote music for every liturgical event on the Lutheran calender (last night's program said that meant about 59 occasions) and consistently did a high quality of work. That is something that I very much respect in an artist. People like Bach or Hitchcock who can be prolific and still keep their quality high impress me.

I commented to Marnie that I thought the program, especially the first half, was incredibly worshipful. She was surprised, given my preference for more of an "emergent", rock style of worship. The similarity to me is that it wasn't stale. The singers were expressive in their tones and in their bodies. the music had a life and took off! Reading the translations of the cantatas (of course provided by my former Prof.) the texts were pretty much taken directly from scripture. I suppose if we ever did traditional hymns in a way that didn't seem like rote, then maybe I would feel the same way about them. Actually I've been to places where hymns are enlivened and embodied and I loved it. I guess my point is, for something to be worship, it has to hae energy. If it doesn't then maybe you don't understand what you're singing. Or maybe you're the one person God hasn't been good to...

the next black leaders?

2006-03-11T12:20:00.000-08:00

On postmodern negro I noticed that Gordon Parks died. For many people that name will be unfamiliar. If he is familiar at all it is for the original Shaft or perhaps the The Learning Tree. I really became familiar with Gordon Parks' work at a gathering I attended with my sister at Carnegie Music Hall in Oakland (Pittsburgh) a couple of years ago. The gathering was honoring the work of both Parks and Harry Belafonte. It honored both their pioneering works in their respective arts (Parks: film, photography; Belafonte: music, acting) but also the various roles they played in raising social consciousness and providing leadership in the african american community.

Tony Smith mentions on his website that it is hard to overlook the passing of many prominent african americn figures over the past few months, most noticeably Rosa Parks and Coretta Scott King. It makes me wonder where the next prominent leadership in the African American community will come from. Is that even a viable question anymore? Much of what I have been reading lately has pointed me to the counterproductive nature of waiting for the next MLK Jr. or even the next Malcolm X. Those men served a purpose in their time and circumstance. The times have changed and new kinds of leaders are required. I'm grateful that their are still people like Cornel West in the world at this moment.

I keep hoping that at some point strong leadership will come fron the african american faith community as it once did. While I know there are community minded servants out there on the streets even now (and I know some of them) what has happened to so many black preachers is that they have succumbed to televangelist mentality and prosperity gospel preaching. I was shocked listening to the daughter of MLK Jr. and Coretta Scott King speaking at her mother's funeral. She sounds as if she has bought into prosperity preaching hook, line, and sinker. I wonder how her father would feel about that. I see people like T.D. Jakes, "Bishop" Eddie Long, and (my personal favorite) Creflo Dollar (can't be his real name, can it?) on tv and want to vomit. Sorry for the strong wording, but I grew up in a church that teaches prosperity gospel and I feel like it entraps people. I do have very strong feelings about it because I see what it does to my family.

I pray for a black leader to come forward and lead the country in issues of justice, peace, and equality, not just prosperity. I pray that person comes from the faith community, but right now, I would settle for someone like Barak Obama taking up that role. You're probably reading this saying "Derrick, maybe that person is you".

To which I would respond, "well, maybe things aren't that bad after all" ...

X3: Last Stand

2006-03-10T18:37:00.000-08:00

Another movie I'm really excited about for this summer is another film based on a Marvel comic: X3: Last Stand. I've really liked the last two X-Men movies (though I disapprove of the names X2 and X3). They did a great job of making a story about mutants seemed grounded in reality. There's a new trailer for the movie on apple and imdb.

For those who may not know, the X-Men were created in the late '60's and were supposed to be a very loose analogy for the civil rights movement. The main story is about mutants with special powers trying to co-exist with normal humans. Professor X, the leader of the X-Men, is supposed to be a stand-in for a Martin Luther King Jr. character. He is working towards the peaceful co-existence of mutants and humans. On the other end is Magneto, the Malcolm X, by any means necessary, kind of character. They developed the story that Magneto's family had been the victims of another form of discrimination during the holocaust and now as an adult experiencing discrimination lashes out in violent ways.

The metaphor is, as I mentioned, very loose. Still, there is a power in that kind of storytelling. The first two films did a very good job of drawing the parallels between the fictional world and current racial issues. The strength of the story is what has made them successful more than anything else. I'm hoping they don't get away from that in this new one.

Ahhh, my frickin' finger!!!

2006-03-09T22:29:00.000-08:00

AHHH!!! Tonight's post will probably be very short. I have two really bad blisters, one on my index finger and one on my middle on my right hand. These aren't bad blisters, though, they are good blisters. I got them today in chapel from playing my bass. I haven't been keeping up with my practicing and I actually had to play something with a pretty driving bass line. The blisters will become callouses and I will rock once more! I love to play! I'm self taught so I'm not so good. Someday I will get lessons. I like it when you actually vibe with the other musicians around you and everything just seems to go. That's an amazing feeling! I loved playing at the Open Door in Pittsburgh! That was a great group of musicians that I was humbled and honored to play with. I've been blessed to play with some very talented people. That is grace; someone eles's virtuousity actually bringing up your own level of play! Ahhh, my frickin fingers...

the power of "Christian Movie Goers"

2006-03-08T21:51:00.000-08:00

For the second weekend in a row, Tyler Perry's Madea's Family Reunion is the highest grossing film of the week. Analysts, according to Internet Movie Database (www.imdb.com), say that the strength of the film's receipts has to do with the support of "church-going black women". Now I'll be honest, I didn't see this film or the previous of Tyler Perry's films, 'Diary of a Mad Black Woman'. Nor have I had any desire to see either. But I have to say that I am encouraged that such a niche market has that kind of economic force in our country. "Church-goers" have proven their power at the box office before with "The Passion of the Christ" and even "The Chronicles of Narnia". It is intersting to me that African Americans have that kind of economic power especially on the pre-Oscar weekend. Still, this doesn't seem like the best use of our economic strength in the public sphere. It used to be that African American christians rallied around a cause, not a film. Especially not a film about a guy in drag (not that there's anything wrong with that). Let's face it, when Christainity flexes its muscles by showing how it can make a film studio rich, well, that's not a Christ honoring use of our energy and resources. I don't want to be known as the guy or the community that made Mel Gibson, Adam Adamson (Narnia), or Tyler Perry rich. I'd rather be known as the community that does kindness, loves justice and walks humbly with our God. But that's just me.

black theology and the emergent conversation

2006-03-07T22:01:00.000-08:00

The March 4th post on postmodern negro raised some pretty important questions. I'll only take time to deal with one right now. The issue at hand is the continual use of white theologians and white theological terms in conversations about around the emerging church community. It raises a couple of very important questions:

First, can the emergent conversation exist in the terms of black theology? Maybe a better way of phrasing that is can black theological concepts be integrated with emerging theology (if there is such a thing). The issue of exposure comes into question. I was only introduced to black theology here at SFTS and mostly by white professors (with good intentions and great hearts). The problem with much of it, at least as represented by the figures such as James Cone is the exclusivity of some of the language (I.e. "God is black") That's difficult verbage to get used to without considering the intentionality that came along with Cone's making that statement. How much are white theological students (or even "armchair theologians" ) exposed to the writings of black theology? The post makes the comment that people of color are invited to the emergent conversation provided that they use the lexicon of white theologians. Isn't that another form of power and control? Certainly, though the vast majority of published and renowned theologians are white, theologians of color have vital things to say to and for the church.

Here's my second question: can a gathering of people that is primarily white, educated, and affluent use the language of liberation theology with any kind of integrity? I expand my conversation now to the likes of Gustavo Gutierrez, a latin american theologian who wrote in the midst of political strife. I guess a better wording is should the emerging church movement use the language of theologians of color when people of color are underrepresented in the movement's ranks?

I'm interested in opening up the conversation about the multiculturalness (or lack thereof) of the emerging church. I commented on John Creasy's blog that I believe that the number of non-white Christians in the emerging movement is small because it happened as a response/reaction to modernity and we approach modernity from different vantage points. As african americans, we did not reap the benefits of modernity. That is a reality that missional/emerging churches will have to come to terms with.

Bonhoeffer, Mark, and the Stillers

2006-03-06T21:20:00.000-08:00

I've been reading a devotional called 'A Year With Dietrich Bonhoeffer'. It has been really enlightening, but also really challenging. Of course, so much of Bonhoeffer's writing comes in the context of World War II and the most extreme of world events. He emphasizes edificatious nature of suffering in his writing. That's a hard topic to wrap your mind around in a culture that does everything it can to avoid or numb pain. Today's reading was about perseverence. He discusses how peresverence literally means to "remain underneath; without throwing off the load". Its about bearing our cross as Christ did. "God's peace is found with those who persevere" and grow stronger under the weight.

We finished talking about Mark in Gospels today. I really enjoy my professors comments, but I think they are rather controversial. He translates the greek phrase that is normally translated as 'Son of Man' as 'Son of the Human Being'. Technically there is nothing wrong with that. The word used in the phrase is 'anthropos' which is person, not man. No problem there. He then goes onto say that the 'Son of the Human Being', in light of Daniel 7, is a corporate reality, not just Jesus alone. 'Son of the Human Being' is actually the new kind of human being that lives under the new moral order inaugarated by the cross. In other words, that means us too. Try going through the gospel of Mark real quick and doing a search for 'Son of Man' and interpret that in that light. It makes alot of difference!

Today, my Super Bowl XL champions dvd arrived! My in-laws also sent us some news papers from before and after the Super Bowl that also arrived today! What a great day to get the mail! I watched the dvd immediately. What a great season! The dvd made this year seem like the Jerome Bettis story, which in some ways it was. I'd really like us to win a Super Bowl with Roethlisberger as the game's MVP. I love that guy!

Hollywood pats itself on the back!

2006-03-05T22:24:00.000-08:00

'Crash' won best picture tonight. I was pretty shocked and very pleased. I really didn't see any of the other nominees, but 'Crash' was an incredibly powerful film and a story that still needs to be told in our country. I really had planned on writing on the cultural impact of 'Brokeback Mountain' winning best picture, but I guess I don't get to do that. Ah well...

In other Oscar news...some other people won some other awards. Honestly, I didn't care much about the awards this year. I didn't see alot of movies last year and most of the ones I saw weren't up for many (if any) awards. The same thing happened last year. I still haven't seen 'Million Dollar Baby' or 'The Aviator'. They are on my netflix list though.

I feel like I'm becoming more detatched from the side of me that wanted to be a filmmaker. I don't like that. I still hope to make a film at some point in my life. I really enjoy the process, especially editing (which apparently makes me weird). It's a very communal process. I hate that I'm not watching movies the way I used to. Part of the problem is that it is just easier to watch tv. I don't have tons of time to watch and invest in a movie. Second, in some ways, tv has become a better art form. Not all tv, mind you, but in reaction to the fear of the medium being taken over by reality tv, really good scripted (or openly scripted!) shows have emerged. Shows like the American version of 'The Office', 'My Name is Earl', 'Lost', '24', etc...Sure, there is still plenty of crap, but tv is having a mini-renaissance.

I wonder some times if it is just my pride that wants to make a film. I'll never win a Super Bowl. I'll probably never be WWE champion (not that that was ever really a personal goal), but the door is still open to make a film that I would get recognition for. In some ways, that has caused me to distance myself from that particular desire, I don't want to do things that are just for my own recognition. The more I think about it, though, there is also plenty of hubris to be used in ministry work.

I'm tired and I'm rambling. The bottom line is that I don't want to abandon the part of me that loves film and not just as a pasttime. I also don't want to make 'Left Behind 6 - Really Left Behind'.

The ordination question

2006-03-04T23:13:00.000-08:00

Tonight Marnie and I had a conversation about my getting ordained. I really struggle with the issue. The standards for the PC(USA) are prohibitive and exclusive. It is virtually impossible without a certain level of education and money. I know that life would be simpler in some ways if I just jump through the hoops, but the closer I get to them the less I want to jump. The call to ministry comes from God, not an institution. If said institution puts up barriers to someone pursuing their call then it is impeding the work of God.

I suppose if my roots were in the PC(USA) I would be more inclined to lean towards the ordination. To be honest, there was alot I didn't know about the Presbyterian church before I came here. I identified myself more with particular ministries (The Open Door and the Pittsburgh Project) more than I identified with the denomination. After a year and a half of seeing how the organization works, I'm less interested in being a cog in the machine.

Adding to this is the feeling I have had over the last few months that I can't see myself in a traditional parish role. I know people get ordained in non-traditional roles all the time. I also know that in many people's minds ordination adds legitimacy to their ministry. I don't know about that.

I haven't closed the door on ordination. This is how I feel right now. I know I have a call and God-given ministry gifts and skills. Ordination could mean job security, but shouldn't it mean more?

Mmmmm...Jazz...

2006-03-03T08:33:00.000-08:00

I just got a cd of John Coltrane playing with Thelonious Monk at Carnegie Hall. If you're not into jazz, take my word for it when I say that this is a big deal! A master pianist and a master sax player in one of the world's great concert halls. I'm listening to it now and it is genius! It's like each one is trying to keep up with the other's improvisational brilliance and they are bringing out the besty in each other. (there's a sermon in there smoewhere!) It's so great! I like jazz because I think it is like life. People (especially us religious types) treat life like classical music: Here's the score, do it this way. Instead it should be: here's the melody. Now make it sound like you. That's jazz!

A good seminary day...

2006-03-02T23:06:00.000-08:00

...despite all of my bitching, I do have good days here. Today was one of them. Some interesting discussions were held in my early classes (exegesis and gospels), but mostly I was blessed by my preaching class. I feel really privileged to hear my friends'/colleagues' sermons. I've been amazed at their quality. My own sermon went very well today. I know it was the Holy Spirit because it felt very flat and uninspired on paper. I love that when we give God our best, even among our weakness, that grace makes things happen.

I want to post a quote from one of my textbooks. it is concerning the significance of the eucharist and the "cleansing of the temple":

"The meaning of 'last supper,' then, actually evolved over a series of meals after jesus' occupation of the Temple. During that period, Jesus claimed that wine and bread were a better sacrifice than what was offered in the Temple (he's referring to the animals being sold for sacrifice by the moneychangers): At least the wine and bread were Israel's own, not tokens of priestly dominance. No wonder the opposition to him, even among the twelve (i.e. Judas), became deadly. In essence, Jesus made his meals into a rival altar, and we may call such a reading of his words a ritual or cultic interpretation"

Bruce Chilton "Traditio-Historical Criticism and Study of Jesus" from Hearing the New Testament

Chilton's observations struck me as significant this morning. It's a rethinking of two major Gospel events. It is ironic to me, however, that Jesus was challenging the oppressive control of the religious establishment in his time and to honor Him we created an oppressive religious establishment.

Another intersting thought coming both through my exegesis class and gospels class is the idea of why Jesus needed to be baptized in the Gospel of Mark. From our reading of the Gospel, Jesus became the adopted son of God only at his baptism. You'll note that Mark doesn't include the virgin birth. So why did Jesus need to be baptized in Mark? The text makes it seem that Jesus had sins to repent of and to get baptized for. How does that sit? Could you preach that? If you were doing an adult ed. class on Mark, would you teach that? Those questions are kinda directed at me, but if you've got answers...

2006-03-02T07:14:00.000-08:00

Spiderman 3. Only 14 months away!

spiritual leadership

2006-03-01T22:06:00.000-08:00

It is raining cats and dogs right now. This is California! It's not supposed to rain!

Anyway... I'm taking a class called Spiritual Life and Leadership. It's not as appealing as the title makes it out to be. We are studying Quaker clearness committees. Basically, it is about sitting in a silent circle and asking a particular focus person questions to help them with discernment. Today, I was the focus person. My issue was thinking about doing a Ph. D. program, a topic I will write more on at another time. There were some interesting questions asked of me, but nothing earth shattering. While I agree that helping people in their discernment processes is a big part of spiritual leadership, I was expecting more from the class.

So what is spiritual leadership? How does one qualify as a spirtual leader? How does one learn to be a spiritual leader? Was that something else i was doing before i got to seminary? If that is the case, what's the point of seminary?

In addition to my clearness committee experience today, I am also thinking of spiritual leadership in light of my marriage. I feel like I'm failing at the job of being the spiritual leader of my household. There are people at my seminary who would frown upon me even using that language. I know Marnie is feeling my lack of leadership. Right now, I don't feel like I have much to give in the realm of spiritual leadership. I've lost alot of my former disciplines; I don't pray as much, I don't study the Bible unless I'm actually studying the Bible, I have no desire to fast (I used to all the time)...

But are those things really what spiritual leadership is all about? Helping people to pray more, study more, fast more? Maybe in part. But shouldn't there also be a component of spiritual leadership that shows us how to be human? How to live in light of grace? I think part of my problem right now is that I have forgotten how to connect to the divine. In my pre-seminary days, the Bible was a huge part of that for me. Now there couldn't be anything less divine to me than the Bible.

Seminary is supposed to be making me a more complete spiritual leader. So far, I've learned how to be a presbyter, a performer, a liturgist, an exegete (whatever the hell that is), a theologian, and a scholar. What does genuine spiritual leadership look like?

Feeling on edge

2006-02-28T22:13:00.000-08:00

So why "Faith's Edge" for the title of this blog. Well, I guess it is more of a feeling than anything else. The feeling I've had for the past year and a half. The feeling of being pushed to the edge of what you believe. The feeling of standing on the edge of a chasm waiting to swallow you up. The feeling of being pushed (intentionally or not) to the fringes of religious traditions: not reformed enough, not Presbyterian enough, not emergent enough, not black enough...

Right now there is an episode of The Simpsons on where biblical stories are being parodied. They should call this episode seminary. (Or maybe just San Francisco Theological Seminary)Doesn't matter, right? Those stories are all myths anyway, true? I miss the feeling of certainty I had before I came to seminary. I suppose it was a false sense of certainty at best. From the edge I can see the faith I used to have. I know I can't go back. I know it is being changed, but I can't see where it is going. Is this where I'm supposed to be? Not understanding? Rebuilding my faith from scratch? Constantly feeling uncomfortable? Sleepless?

The people I respect the most are the ones who have the most questions, not the ones that have the most answers. Maybe that's where I'm headed. I want to use this space to expore the questions and maybe to figure out how I'm going to live my life in light of the unanswerable. Like any lenten journey, the edge leads to the cross...