Faith's Edge

I have been asked the question of why I am in seminary several times in several different ways over the last couple of weeks. A couple of the times, I was asking myself, but that counts too. Now, as I have finished my first week of my final year here, I think it might be a good time to revisit this question.

let's go back a little bit. After about a year of working at the Pittsburgh Project (TPP- for those in the know), I started feeling called to making ministry a bigger part of my life. tat actually threw me into a tailspin. Being a good dreamer of the American dream, I have understood education as my logical launchpad into whatever field I might go into. I was at the time studying film and thought that there was no way I could be glorifying God by studying film (it took me a while to get over that mindset). Anyway, that's when I first started thinking about seminary.

My understanding of seminary at the time was that it was the place where I would learn how to do ministry better. In other words, I was expecting to learn orthopraxis here. A few years passed between my original revealtion and the beginning of my application process. I had to get out of my tailspin and finish my undergrad. During that time, I became associated with several folks who planted churches. I really enjoyed learning from them, though I didn't always like what they were doing. Still, it was something I could see myself doing. At the time I was also still working at TPP. I point that out because the whole time I was thinking about seminary and learning how to do ministry better, I was actually doing ministry. I find that interesting.

Anyway, I ended up at SFTS for several reasons. I figured it was the only time that Marnie and I would live outside of Pittsburgh. I figured I would get a more diverse view on the Bible then I would get from Pittsburgh Seminary (I wanted to understand what it meant when people said a place was "liberal" in their theology...I get it now) I came here because, ironically, the financial aid worked out for SFTS better than PTS (the first year anyway, and we never really factored in cost of living...ugh!) In coming to SFTS to learn about ministry, I turned down a couple of great opportunities to continue doing ministry.

Well anyway, I have been thinking about all of this for a couple of reasons. This week seemed to be one where I suffered the consequences of moving 3, 000 miles away. My presbytery continues to give me crap and I think I'm done with them. I don't know what that's going to mean for my future, but I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I've been going through the ordination process is for a sense of job security and, frankly, that isn't a good enough reason anymore. I care more about being back in Pittsburgh then I do about being Presbyterian (which I barely am anyway), so who knows what will be there for me after I finish school, but at this point i am tired of the aggrevation. It's not worth it to me. The second thing was a family crisis. There has been a skeleton in my familial closet for over twenty years now that occasionally falls out and wreaks havoc. This week it fell all the way out of the closet and has brought a lot of pain to alot of people that I love. It has been incredibly heartbreaking and I have felt very helpless being out here. It has made me second guess, not so much going to seminary, but coming all the way out here. I know some good has come out of it. I've met great people and learned a ton about myself, but I've had the kind of week where I am questioning if it has all been worth it.

Sorry this is such a downer, but the second half of my week was really, really hard. If you think about it, keep my family in prayer and keep Marnie and I in prayer as we start dealing with the "what's next?" questions.